By Ari Mostow and Nate Mostow
Over seventeen thousand students, faculty, and staff stood by along Sheridan Road early Wednesday morning as flustered university president Morton “Morty” Schapiro rifled through his fanny pack, searching for the key to unlock the Northwestern campus. “Every night, I walk through campus and lock everything up, but last night I must have misplaced the key when I got home,” Morty told Medill bystanders.
Citing a lack of alternatives, Morty suspended all classes, sports practices, club meetings, and other campus activities, including the much-anticipated musical Pippin. “I can’t go home to look for the key right now,” he explained, addressing the crowd via megaphone. “My wife has the car. She dropped me off and now she’s at a dentist appointment, so I can’t get picked up for another hour, and I’m not allowed to walk home alone. Let’s just call it a day and hope this little mishap doesn’t hurt our U.S. News & World Report ranking.”
According to senior Viola Smuthers, the incident hardly came as a surprise. “This definitely isn’t the first time Morty has had to cancel class due to his forgetfulness. One day during my sophomore year, we couldn’t have morning classes because Morty forgot to wake up the professors.”
While most were grateful for a day off, sources report some questioned the logic of Morty’s decision. “It was completely unnecessary for Morty to cancel classes,” complained Dean Adrian Randolph in a strongly worded meme page rant. “We have a backup campus in Chicago specifically for emergencies like this!”
“Please don’t tell your parents about this, guys,” wrote Morty in an email to the student body later that day. “I already feel really bad. Let’s not add insult to injury.”