University Decides to Just Leave Sheridan Like This

Earlier today, University administrators sent home every Sheridan construction worker, telling them to leave Sheridan in its current state. President Morton Schapiro stated, β€œIt’s a nice new change that will leave the students happier. The Psychology department has put out many studies about how exercise is great for mental health. So, by creating the obstacle course with life or death stakes on Sheridan road, we are giving their bodies the healthy illusion that they are exercising.”

Other administrators agree with Schapiro adding that, β€œA lot of critics of elite universities say that their students do not take risks and this tendency to shelter themselves will hinder their success. We want to change that. With the new additions that have been added to Sheridan road such as its fences, gravel, and open ditches students now are forced to take the risk of walking across Sheridan Road to get to class.”

Many students have reported their excitement for Sheridan construction to cease, but were anticipating a functional pathway around campus. β€œIt’s not that bad,” states Jacob Mayers, Medill ’20. β€œI just have to get up forty five minutes earlier in order to get to class on time.”

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