Ever since my roommate joined SHAPE (Sexual Health and Assault Peer Educators), he’s been coming into our room every night and hurling lube at the back of my head. Every evening, he chucks an arm load of condoms of every hue and size at my face, and it’s not because he’s concerned for me. It’s actually because he, a peer educator of safe sex, despises the concept of contraception, and expresses his angst by overhand tossing all his free SHAPE shit at me when I’m not looking. He yells “condoms are the prison of the penis”, and that he’d rather put himself in a body bag before bagging his “Tsar Dickolai the Third”. How do I get this sex-positive, water-based, cranial onslaught to slow down?
All’s Fair in Lube and War
SHAPE is a wonderful place to learn how to practice safe sex, but by no means are educators required to practice what they preach. Unfortunately, a talk about consent is not going to fix your problem. In any case, here are some tips to help you avoid your next Astroglide sponsored concussion. Remind him you ALREADY have HIV from the needle you stepped on while wading through Lake Michigan, so protection is hardly going to help you now. If you show him your itzy bitzy Trump Jr., he’ll understand his lubricant assault is really not necessary for your situation. Another option is to start wearing a CRU branded “Abstinence is the One True Way” chastity belt. He’ll get the message you don’t get out much anyhow. As a last resort, steal a herpes sample from the pathologist lab on campus and slip it in his food. He’ll be preaching safe sex for all to hear with a cold sore for all to see in no time, giving you more time to study, you virgin loser.
Good luck and Heads up!