Bike Lane Taken Over by New Hot-Shot Moped Gang
Recently, local bystanders have reported that the newly constructed bike lane on Sheridan has been taken over by a new hot-shot moped gang.
“It was the strangest thing,” said local Sheridan biker Michael Knox, “I was biking down the lane when suddenly three guys on pink mopeds drove right by me and knocked me off my bike. They said that if they ever saw me biking on the bike lane again, then ‘the Mild Mollies would fuck [me] up.’”
The Mild Mollies reportedly started up about three weeks ago, when local moped riders banded together after someone complained to them about riding their mopeds on the actual street. “Moped riders get treated like shit here in Evanston,” stated an anonymous member of the gang who referred to himself as Pansy Pete, “People always give us dirty looks when we drive down the street or park our rides outside Harris. So, after years of discrimination, we decided that we have had enough, and the new bike lane presented us the perfect opportunity to get our revenge.”
The Mild Mollies have insisted that they will return the bike lane once the city passes an ordinance protecting “the dignity and respectability of all moped riders from shear criticism by pedestrians. That and our own personalized parking spots across Evanston. With our names on them. In cursive.”
The city, however, has been slow to act against the gang, as Mayor Hagerty, when told of these demands, responded “Huh?”
The Mild Mollies have been patrolling the bike lane in an organized group continuously for the past three days, revving their engines at pedestrians too absorbed in their cell phones to notice the motor scooters puttering past them.