Op-ed: How Dare She Date Someone More Kind, Intelligent, and Attractive Than Me?

For the past 3 weeks I’ve known Samantha, I’ve spent that time giving her the bare minimum amount of friendship, trying to convey the fact that I genuinely cared about getting into her pants. And now, I see her in a Garnett basement making out with Roy Jimenez (Weinberg ’19)? The travesty. The betrayal.

Roy’s got great abs. Sure, we’ve all fantasized about licking jelly off of his chest while he plays with our hair. But one time, I made a jelly sandwich and it was delicious. I bet Roy can’t make a good jelly sandwich. And sure, Roy founded a nonprofit that gives toys to underprivileged children. But I volunteer too, like that time I accidentally dropped a $5 bill and didn’t pester the homeless guy to give it back after he refused the first two times I asked.

No, I didn’t tell Samantha how I felt. You’d assume if she had any sense she’d catch onto years of subtle hints and fall for me, but what does she do? She turns around, trips and falls on Roy’s dick at this party and now she thinks she wants to date him. All just because he’s more attractive, intelligent, and kind than me. Really Samantha? You chose to stoop that high? Have some decency… but not enough decency to do that.

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