Thousands of students convened on the Lakefill Friday night for President Morton Schapiro’s much-anticipated mystery announcement.
Said Schapiro: “After considering our budget allocations, we realized that we weren’t putting enough towards our students’ mental health. That’s why we’re encouraging students to clear their heads with a walk along the beautiful Lake Michigan; which will now be a nature-filled forty-three mile stretch. Go ‘Cats!”
Clamorous applause and cheering erupted instantly the moment Schapiro yanked the curtain off his scale model of “Lakefill 2.”
“Better yet,” added Schapiro, amid hushed murmurs of worship, “At long last, once the new Lakefill is constructed, students will be able to easily access Gary, Indiana for a long-overdue new college town experience.”
A sequel to the campus’s historic Lakefill had long been rumored over recent years. Here is one mystified freshman’s take: “It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” she affirmed. “Northwestern really knows how to make studying abroad accessible for all. I’m just bummed that I’ll have to wait till it’s done in early-to-mid 2083 to experience it in its full glory.”
Ceremoniously, both the men’s and women’s swim teams dove into Lake Michigan and set off towards Gary to greet their new foreign friends.
What will become of Northwestern’s current Lakefill is unconfirmed. However, information from an anonymous source seems to indicate that it is going to be the site of another state-of-the-art sports pavilion.