This week, a controversy erupted when the rock, a beloved Northwestern institution, was discovered to be a legacy student. The rock’s father, a large chunk of sandstone, attended the University in 1943. Additionally, the rock’s grandfather, a pile of sand, graduated in 1922. Student protests have formed with signs such as “Rock Privilege Scissors” and “Quartzite Does Not Make Quartz-Right.”

The rock is among many legacy and donor students whose applications were personally read by President Morton Schapiro (known as Morty to his friends). Many have questioned this practice in the past, but this event reignited student outcries against it. Schapiro commented, “That chunk of sandstone had some powerful friends. There’s no harm in me meeting with an applicant personally, sharing intimate secrets, exchanging phone numbers, and making secret handshakes. It gives the student no advantages whatsoever.”

“I got here on my own merit and I’m not budging,” said the rock. “I’ve been here for sixty years, and I’m going to outlast all of you motherrockers.”

The Arch stated, “I’ve known the dude for a while. We’ve always had some distance between us, but he’s a good guy. He’s also dumb as a rock. There’s no way he got in without a shitload of donations.”

“I heard that his brother Dwayne got him in,” mentioned Hailey Cohen, Medill ‘22, “Morty Schapiro was a huge fan of Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle.”