BREAKING: Instead of CTECs, Northwestern Students May Now Rate Classes by Selecting One of Dante Aligheri’s Nine Circles of Hell

Let’s be honest: a 1-5 scale never cut it. That’s why administrators at Northwestern University opted on Friday to replace their Course and Teacher Evaluation Council (CTECs) with an unconventional, but far more accurate rating system for students to report their experiences with classes—using Dante’s nine circles of hell.

While students are elated by the more expansive rating system, where they may describe classes on a range from Limbo to Treachery, most professors are even more excited about the change. “This is the recognition we have always wanted as educators, and as perpetual cosmic punishers,” commented Professor Watson Paintdry. “You know, I do not make reading quizzes for nothing.”

The change follows student complaints voiced in Fall Quarter over the extreme nature of many of their assignments. “My econ professor gave us an assignment to freeze for all eternity,” remarks an anonymous sophomore. “It had something to do with understanding the market. I don’t know. I got a B+.”

Though the university at large has welcomed the new rating system, students and professors alike have already advocated for the addition of a 10th circle of hell to Dante’s epic, simply to accommodate McCormick classes.

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