Ask Flippy: How Can I Love Myself If I’ll Never Be as Pretty as the 500 Degrees Pizza Crust?

Dear Flippy,

Quarantine on campus has really done a number on my self-esteem. I thought Wildcat Wellness was bad, but now that we can go to the dining halls to get food, I feel more and more insecure every time I pass by the 500 Degrees station and see that luscious, golden brown pizza crust. It stares at me smugly, knowing it single-handedly motivated me to seek CAPS. How am I supposed to be okay with myself when I know I’ll never be as pretty as that fluffy, sumptuous crust?

Sincerely,

Woebegone Winston

Dear Woebegone Winston,

First, you need to recognize it’s our differences that make us special. We can’t all be 500 Degrees pizza crusts. Some of us are undercooked and dubiously seasoned Comfort “chicken,” and that’s okay. Second, it’s what’s on the inside that matters. Sure, the 500 Degrees pizza is pretty. The cheese shimmers under the heat lamp. The crust crunches beautifully. But it’ll make you shit your brains out just as bad as that Comfort chicken will. So chin up, king!

Aloha,

Flippy

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