Chase L. Cohol Jr., a member of Tappa Tappa Keg as well as the Men’s Lacrosse Club for Trust Fund Beneficiaries, reported a minor party foul to campus authorities this Dillo Day weekend when he found himself in the clutches of a group of Willard theatre majors.

“Bro, it was so wack,” Chase said in his official statement. “Me and my bro Frad—FRADDY D, WAZZZ GOOD? —we were just hanging with these weird Willard chicks because they said they had quality ‘hol, like that Target self-checkout ish. And then one of them started looking up High School Musical karaoke tracks on YouTube and told me I would make the ‘perfect Troy Bolton.’ Like bro! I ain’t no Zac Efron. I’m obviously a Zeke because of my mad crème brûlée making skills. Not cool.”

Chase’s “bro” and unofficial domestic partner Frad added, “And the only ‘hol they even had was Manischewitz. If I wanted to get slightly tipsy and puke up grape juice I woulda just gone to my sister’s bat Mitzvah this weekend like I was supposed to.”

Luckily, the happy couple were able to escape the clutches of the off-brand cast of HSMTMTS before Kaitlyn S. managed to successfully hook up her iPhone to her roommate’s dented Bluetooth speaker and start blasting “Do You Hear the People Sing.”

“It was seriously not looking good for us for a hot sec,” said Chase. “Some girl started telling me her student theater group is looking for male actors for their upcoming production of Jesus Christ Superstar and I just don’t have the tenor range to play Judas.”