Vice President Harris Denies Thanksgiving Turkey’s Pardon While Biden Is In Surgery
Bad news for fans of Peanut Butter and Jelly, America’s two presidential turkeys, as Vice President Harris just announced that her first action as acting president is to deny the dynamic duo their Thanksgiving pardon.
“We need to make it clear to every American that no turkey is safe today,” said Harris in her first press conference. “Do you think China pardons an animal before they consume thousands of members of their species? Of course not, so it’s time for us to stop being a bunch of wusses and slaughter them all.”
Vice President Harris became the first woman to wield US presidential power in American history while President Biden went through a “routine exploration of his sensitive areas,” according to a White House press statement.
Though short lived, Harris said she planned to use her power to the fullest extent – starting with the public execution of Peanut Butter and Jelly. One reporter fielded a question from the president about the cultural precedent she is setting with this pardon denial. Harris’ response was charmingly self-aware. “I think, for me, there’s something really nostalgic about saying a bunch of meaningless fluff and overlooking any potential problems that arise from the situations I create” stated Harris.
When asked to comment on Peanut Butter and Jelly’s deaths after waking up from surgery, President Biden could only look fearfully at reporters in a clammy catatonic state, meaning everything is back to normal in American politics.