Lack of Red Wave Attributed to Republicans not getting a “Triple-thick Black and White Milkshake” after Voting
After the GOP’s disappointing results in the midterms, political analysts have finally figured out the reason for the epic failure. The lack of a “red wave” is not a result of Trump’s declining popularity, incredible turnout among young voters, or the fact that the GOP just sucks, but instead because Republicans did not buy a triple-thick black and white milkshake after hitting the polls, like President Biden and his granddaughter Natalie did after her first time voting.
CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC have all come together and agreed that this milkshake holds the key to American democracy.
What is a triple thick black and white milkshake, though? Well, It’s regular vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup, but 3x as thick and juicy, of course. It’s now come to light that Hillary Clinton’s 2016 loss was due to her ordering only a double-thick black and white milkshake. Well, that and America’s hatred for women.
Some Republicans are calling fraud about who got a triple-thick black and white milkshake or not, specifically regarding the milk-makeup of the shake. “If you got oat milk instead of real milk it shouldn’t count,” representative Lauren Boebert remarked. “Any weak Lib who can’t handle real American milk is not a real American.”
Meanwhile, Herschel Walker seemed confused about milk alternatives altogether, yelling “WHAT IS ALMOND MILK? HOW DO YOU MILK AN ALMOND? WHAT DO YOU SQUEEZE?” However, Steve Kornacki disputed these claims, stating that triple-thick black and white milkshakes made with dairy alternatives do indeed still possess the same political power.
So, next year on November 7, 2023, every milkshake store around the country better be prepared with vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup, and a good fucking blender. If you want your vote to matter, it’s no longer about posting a selfie with your “I Voted” sticker; it’s about getting a creamy, delicious black and white milkshake so thick it can’t even make it through the straw.