Democracy Going Strong: Hammurabi’s Code Voted To Replace The Constitution
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Tag Archives: Election
Lack of Red Wave Attributed to Republicans not getting a “Triple-thick Black and White Milkshake” after Voting
Some Republicans are calling fraud about who got a triple-thick black and white milkshake or not, specifically regarding the milk-makeup of the shake. “If you got oat milk instead of real milk it shouldn’t count,” representative Lauren Boebert remarked. “Any weak Lib who can’t handle real American milk is not a real American.”
Thousands of Illegal Mexican Voters Tip Evanston Mayoral Election
Opponent Alderman Mark Tendam, expressed skepticism at Hagerty’s claim. “Are there even 3,000 undocumented people in Evanston to do this?”
Abroad Student Decides Uganda Isn’t So Bad
Sources report that this revelation occurred when he saw Donald Trump insult veterans, Muslims, Republicans, and fucking babies in just the past week.
Chris Christie Drops Campaign, Picks up Sandwich
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie recently announced that he will be dropping his presidential campaign and picking up a sandwich.
ASG Elections Kidnapping Plot Foiled
“The race for padding resumĂ©s with bullshit positions has never been more intense,” said Neil Mantle, Allison’s Area Coordinator. “We were afraid something like this might happen eventually.”
President Schapiro Announces Reelection Campaign
Schapiro warned that the campaign would not be easy. “There are certain to be challengers funded by special interest groups and a capella musicians, if you can call that ‘music.’ There are certain to be vicious ads taped to the sidewalk which will remain long after the campaign is done.”
The Campaign in Review: Musings from Rafalca Romney
Not only could I have done a better job checking Paul Ryan’s math by stamping my left hoof, but I probably could have conveyed a better understanding of the American tax-bracket breakdown based on my observations of barnyard social structure.
President Obama Pledges to Eradicate Face AIDS
ATLANTA, EVANSTON, and DES MOINES — An anonymous Northwestern student-watchdog group has alerted the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) about a potentially deadly disease called “Face AIDS.” According to the a statement from the CDC, the previously unknown disease has in the last month spread all over the Northwestern campus. Little is known about the disease, but already an awareness campaign has started in the form of flyers around the campus, prompting the CDC to advise: “At this point, there
Obama-Bloomberg Friendship on the Rocks after Tepid Endorsement
NEW YORK CITY — New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg publically endorsed President Obama last Thursday, saying the effects of Hurricane Sandy reshaped his thinking of the presidential campaign. While many Democrats welcomed the New York mayor’s support, Obama was less than enthusiastic about the statement. The implication that Bloomberg was previously unsure of his vote, or even possibly considering to vote for the Romney/Ryan ticket, definitely shook their friendship to its very core. An inside source told The Flipside, “Barack