“She Really Ate!” Local Student Actor Consumes Infant On Stage

Northwestern’s theater scene has always been hit-or-miss with the school’s regular academics. A recent student-written production in which an infant was consumed live on stage, however, has taken campus by storm. The one woman show, penned and starred in by Hanna Bull, was a smash with the studious and artistic alike.

“She really ate!” SESP sophomore Chi L’Dvour exclaimed. “I mean, I was expecting another sleepy Shanley production, but this Saturday midafternoon was the tastiest time I’ve had in a while!”

The “breathtaking” sound of breaking bones and crunching cartilage could be heard from dorms North to South, campus residents shared; and the Northwestern Men’s Basketball Team attributes their recent loss to Rutgers University to the players’ “distracting memories of a dying child’s dulcet screams.” Starting center, Matthew Nicholson, was particularly moved.

“When I sank that first free throw in the second half, I was flying high.” Nicholson said. “But man oh man! I just couldn’t stop thinking about that saturnian scene that stole the show, so I totally whiffed the second. I mean, how could I focus on the game with the four-day-old memory at the forefront of my mind?”

The Flipside attempted to interview the sole critic of the play’s content, but no body could be found.

*The Flipside does not condone cannibalism, autocannibalism, or other acts involving the processing or consumption of humans for sport.

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