New York High Schoolers Compete to Date DiCaprio: “We Need Someone to Buy Us Beer”

As the narcs in the U.S. government get better and better at cracking down on fake I.D.’s, some New York City high schoolers are getting creative in getting their hands on illicit booze.

“We needed someone to buy us beer,” said Josie Cuervo, a junior. at Stuyvesant High School. “Then my friends and I heard Leo DiCaprio was sniffing around for younger women to date. Seemed to me like this might be the beginning of a beautiful partnership.”

To date, DiCaprio has been invited to three proms, two high school soccer games and a Model UN conference.

Though New York’s elite high schoolers are famously chatty, the campaign to woo Leo has been kept under wraps from all but the most observant locals.

“New Yorkers are used to celebrity sightings. Nothing fazes us, usually,” said Aegis Justanumber, manager at the liquor store nearest to Trinity Preparatory Academy. “We did think it was a little weird, though, when Leo started coming in two or three times a week to buy Smirnoff Ice and blue raspberry Svedka. I would have pegged him as more of a top-shelf scotch on the rocks type of fellow.”

So far, Trinity Prep sophmore Jill Baite seems to be next in line to date Leo – though his ‘elderly’ texting style makes it hard to tell how far they are in the talking stage, she told The Flipside.

“I need to keep Leo in my pocket so I can spike the punch bowl at my sweet sixteen,” Baite said. “I’m watching out for my competition, though. I hear Leo’s been hanging around the middle schoolers.”

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