Call him Joe Shmole the way he ain’t covering his holes—this touch-starved man half-heartedly resists as aliens probe his body.

His true name is actually Ay Noos, and ever since his girlfriend (who was totally real—she just went to a different school and it’s in Canada, you just haven’t heard of it) broke up with him, he’s been a little touch-starved. In fact, he was spotted in the women’s clothing section of Target not touching the mannequin’s breasts, but rather repositioning their arms so that they were giving him a hug. So, it must’ve just been Mr. Noos’ lucky day when he was abducted by aliens.

These aliens, the grey ones from the star system we know as Zeta Reticuli, have been seen around Earth smoking Newports and encouraging people to harm certain Beatles members before; however their tactics at messing with Earthlings seem to have taken a turn in the case of Mr. Noos. Noos, who teared up and wistfully looked up at the sky while recounting his experience, said that although he was first nervous when he woke up to see the fellas surrounding him in his bedroom, as soon as they placed their hands on him, he couldn’t bring himself to resist.

“It’s just—it’s just been so long since I felt something. And these people, or aliens or whatever, well they made me feel like I was real, like I mattered.” Noos went on to describe in detail what happened when he was brought aboard their ship. “They laid me down on this table and strapped me down—I mean like I’m not really into that sort of thing but a man dying of hunger shouldn’t be a Michelin star food critic. So, when they started to check out my rectum, I could only sigh a bit and go ‘nooo….. don’t do that….’”

However strange his experience, we must not judge Noos for his actions. Male loneliness is an epidemic, and at least this is better than him discovering alpha-male podcasts and dropshipping.