Listen up, Wildcats: after my experiences at Dillo Day, I know that if this campus is known for one thing and one thing only, it’s tolerance. But if it’s known for two things, the second is finding an excuse to day drink, and as a bear who must answer letters from y’all, I’m a bit experienced when it comes to whistling my blues into a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. That all being said, I don’t want a repeat of last weekend to happen at the upcoming train convention which I know everyone is going to. So, here’s Flippy’s guide to safe drinking at the train convention. 

Firstly, let’s start with borg. No matter what you add to it, drinking that much vodka before noon is NOT a smart decision. After all, how are you going to enjoy the subtle beauty of a genuine 1928 Pullman Sleeper Car restored in pristine condition to the Bangor and Aroostook Railroad’s livery? Or marvel at the view from an ACW Viewing Car? It doesn’t matter what fun name you come up with: logoBORGative, all-aBORG, it isn’t going to matter when you vomit all over the tracks. Everybody’s just going to remember you as Thomas-the-Drink-Engine. 

Now, some people may offer you a drink at the convention, and it’s very important that you make sure that you trust them before you take it. For example, women reading this shouldn’t accept anything that’s given to you by a guy wearing a shirt that says “Rail Me, Baby”, in fact you shouldn’t accept a drink from anybody. You don’t even need a drink to enjoy the history of American rail transportation, drinking will only you distract you from the rich, rich tapestry of how this nation was built on the backs of steam engines. 

But, if you do decide to get a Amtrashed, remember this: drinking can have some seriously negative consequences. For the men out there, overindulgence can lead to track-laying problems and impair your ability to make wise decisions. Conductor? You barely know her!