Dearest Flippy, 

It was clear since I got my first pair of cargo pants that cargo beep beep–possibly even vroom vroom, depending on the engine. Traingo pants, naturally, go choo choo. It should be noted, however, that choo choo is only a part of the traingo pants. Traingo pants also chugga chugga, which often precedes the aforementioned choo choo. 

Boatpants, however, remain a trickier quandary to wrestle with. Boat does not go vroom or choo. Although I should note the boat in Apocalypse Now that boatgo vroom. Jetskis vroom come to think of it. But more usually, boat go shhhhhh. Or, if it’s a sailboat, whoooooo. I’m sure you see the issue, oh exalted Flippy. Boat too diverse. Too many boat to make one sound whereas cargo beep beep (and occasionally vroom vroom) and traingo choo choo (succeeding the chugga chugga). But boatpants what? 

Sincerely, 

Chad Thaddeus 

Dear, Mr. Thaddeus, 

Are you a recovering stroke victim? Because right now that is the only plausible explanation to what I have just read. What have I become that now I receive questions such as this? Has my reputation fallen so precipitously? 

Boatgo pants, Thad Chaddeus, go shhhhh AND whoooo. By the way, they also go chugga chugga if you’re in the engine room, or whoosh if there’s a big wave over the side. If it has cannons it goes boom, too. 

You see, it’s time that we stop limiting the sounds that pants can make. I love a good chugga chugga choo choo, but traingo screeeeeeee sometimes too. Acceptance of diversity and what isn’t conventional or isn’t expected is what makes us stronger, not weaker. We are greater than the sum of our parts put together, for when God asks for all the sounds of the boatgo pants, He will not be happy with just a shhhhhhh.  

Hope this helps. 

Sincerely, 

Flippy