Following the recent wave of assassinations, people have been quick to point the finger at whomever they most distrust, from Radical Left Lunatics to Christian fundamentalism. Here I will examine how overwhelming sexual desires that drove people to murder with 4 famous cases of sexually-charged assassinations, according to NU econ and history professor and passed-up Nobel Prize nominee Dr. John Hornington.

1. Roman Emperor Commodus strangled by his wrestling partner

“Of all Roman Emperor assassinations, this one seemed the most fitting,” Dr. Hornington explained. 

Whereas Caesar was stabbed, Commodus was strangled in the bathhouse by his wrestling partner… now that’s sexually charged.”

• Bishop of Canterbury Thomas Becket killed in “knightplay” orgy

Becket’s murder is a well-known British tale, enough that Chaucer commemorated it as his pilgrims’ destination in The Canterbury Tales. Between the pages, Dr. Hornington argues, were overtly sexual undertones.

“4 knights supposedly killed Becket on Henry II’s orders, ‘Will no one rid me of this turbulent priest?,’ but my analysis reveals that Henry actually said ‘turbulent freak,’” Dr. Hornington explained. “The rest is history, and some say the sounds of clashing swords and moaning from that fateful night still echo through Canterbury Cathedral.”

• Archduke Franz Ferdinand and Duchess Sophie’s 1914 deaths: Threesome gone tragically wrong?

All it took was a few shots from Gavrilo Princip’s pistol to start WWI, but the young Serb had motivations beyond nationalism: With Franz and Sophie, it was personal.

“For years, Princip sent fan mail to the couple, escalating into demanding a threesome. After Princip’s wish was fulfilled with a wild night in Vienna, the couple ghosted him,” said Dr. Hornington. 

• Leon Trotsky: Stalin never him

Trotsky called the USSR under Stalin’s rule a “degenerate workers’ state,” but the exiled Soviet also wanted to be in a degenerate state with his lover-turned-usurper.

“The sexual undertones of this assassination were very aggressive and bitter,” Dr. Hornington said. “After Trotsky snuffed out the Kronstadt rebellion and led the Bolsheviks to victory in the Russian civil war, Stalin thought the two of them could spend their days happily hunting down disloyal subversives. Unsurprisingly, he felt betrayed when Trotsky didn’t want to purge people with him, something Stalin viewed as a fun couples’ activity and Trotsky viewed as work.”

Even after Stalin sent an agent to kill Trotsky in Mexico City, he still missed his old comrade. According to Dr. Hornington, “Stalin poured out his feelings for Trotsky to his therapist, then shot the therapist, paralyzed with fear, for not shedding a tear over Stalin’s tragedy.”

Dr. Hornington hopes that our readers, with new awareness of the intricate ways that sexual tension underpin all of history, will see parallels in other assassinations as well.