Today, local freshman Shannon Sterling, WCAS ’20, drew gasps of surprise from Sodexo staff as she began searching Elder Dining Hall for food. Reportedly, a confused Sterling decided to start wandering through Elder Dining Hall under the mistaken assumption that there was food in Elder Dining Hall. As expected, she hasn’t found anything yet.

Reporters interviewed Sterling’s wiser friend Carol Elbers regarding her unprecedented behavior. “Frankly, I’m shocked,” Elbers stated, “Shannon, I, and her other friends all live in Elder Hall and we just thought she was better than that.” When pressed for more information, Elbers revealed that she and her friends had actually passed Sterling in the hall earlier when they all went to Sargent Hall, their usual meal spot. “I don’t know why she went to Elder when she saw us all leaving. Maybe it was too cold out?” Elbers mused.

However, as surprised as Elbers was, the Sodexo staff was thrown for a bigger loop. In a recent press release, the on-duty chef revealed “It just isn’t normal to look for food in Elder. That’s why I don’t cook anything.” However, the presence of Sterling searching for food raised unsettling questions for the dining hall staff. “If someone’s here looking for food, should I make something?” wondered the chef, “It seems kind of cruel to just watch her circling the empty metal trays looking for something she’ll never find.”

At press time, Sterling was observed staring forlornly at a dusty lone cheerio—the only piece of cereal still left at Elder Dining Hall. One staff member tried to point her to the salad section, where there rested a single pile of lettuce. Sadly, the attempt was to no avail as, according to Sterling, “Lettuce isn’t real food.”