The good and honest American people are no stranger to so-called “experts” talking down to them on TV about how to spend their money and why their grocery bills aren’t going down. “Oh, it’s because you’re spending too much on DraftKings, no it’s because America is getting screwed over by its trade partners”. Well, America, here are some thoughts on Trump’s new tariffs from the only economic expert you need, my cat Billibob (AKA: Billi, Hobo Kitty): “mrr mrrrr meeoorrr miauuuu miau mrr”. 

Billi, a graduate of the Wharton business school, has been conducting pain-staking research on the potential economic effects of President Trump’s new tariff policies in between her frequent naps in the flower bed. Although she notes that the recent market turmoil was inevitable coming on the heels of such widespread tariffs, she insists that “miau miauuu mrrrr murrreaoow”, which is believed to mean “in spite of the recent market shock, the inherent unpredictability of the Trump administration should give investors hesitancy before making large-scale withdrawals”. 

It should be noted that Billi herself has shifted much of her portfolio since the beginning of Trump’s second term. Her recent liquidation of American electronic corporations and auto makers was coupled with a large purchase of European defense shares on the Frankfurt Stock Exchange and, most notably, gold. When asked about this and her recent trips to Switzerland, Billi responded to reporters “mmmmrrrrrrrr meeerrrr mep mep miuuuauuuu”, roughly translating to “I shat in the basil you broke bitch”. 

Whereas other economists might suggest that Billi’s actions ought to speak louder than her words, it is unlikely that such criticisms will reach her. Billi, who has taken a recent liking to frolicking behind the pomegranate trees in the yard to avoid the haters, has come a long way since being found in a storm drain. It is unlikely that she will let her financial empire come to ruin on account of the President’s actions.  

Updates will come when Billi stops (deceptively) rolling over and asking for belly rubs.