[Small Town Issue] OPINION: Big City Just Too Big
The waiter brought us an appetizer that he called something like “Eddie-Mommy.” I looked over at Don and said, “By the stars, he’s trying to feed us soybeans!”
BREAKING: Mayfest Runs out of Wristbands, Even for Students with Wildcards
Hours after making Wednesday’s announcement that guest wristband distribution has been suspended, Mayfest clarified their statement to reflect the fact that they have no wristbands left at all.
[Small Town Issue] Titonka Police Blotter
The Titonka Fire Dept. was called to George, 64, and Helen, 62, Reynolds’ home late Saturday evening to extinguish a small fire in the couple’s backyard. The fire is thought to have been set by misguided youths.
DILLO DAY: Wristband Policy to Prove More Memorable than Actual Concert
A recent poll revealed that 86% of the student body labeled this year’s Dillo Day changes “inconvenient and unnecessary,” while only 24% of students could recall the names of the artists set to perform.
[Small Town Issue] Myrtle Johnson, 83: Porch a Great Place to Watch the Neighbors and Sip Lemonade
US Secretary of Problem Solving Proposes Obvious Solution to Floods, Fires
When a vicious tiger escaped from a zoo and terrorized local neighborhoods, the obvious solution was to build a tall fence around the area where the tiger was roaming.
BREAKING: Area Student Awake and Ready to Start the Day
Berelli allegedly spent the past weekend cavorting in a drunken stupor for fifty-four straight hours. Friday night she was seen skinny-dipping off the shore of South Beach at approximately 2:40 AM.
Student Discovers New Use for Laptop Computers
All this time we’ve been underestimating just how useful those newfangled computer things can be. Next thing you know, we’ll have a [fully-functioning] website where students can pick their classes by themselves.
Northwestern to Host Swedish Pop Star 2 Chainz on Dillo Day
His most famous song, “It’s Oh So Cooperative,” an ode to their model of socially coordinated capitalism, has been a Billboard Top 100 hit in Sweden for decades.
Bloomberg: “Godzilla’s BMI is a concern”