Gross Misunderstanding Ensues When Woman Asks Santa for iTouch and Wii in Same Sentence
Al Qaeda Recruits New Members at Activities Fair
NU Backs Out of Outback Bowl
TAMPA—Northwestern Wildcat fans everywhere were given bad news today as they learned that the 8-4 football team has backed out of the Outback Bowl. The decision was made following Coach Pat Fitzgerald’s call to sit 3 running backs out of the game. “With all our backs out, we have no choice but to back out of the Outback bowl,” Fitzgerald said in a New Year’s Day press release. One NU running back was ruled out after he got lost inside
Tiger Woods Admits to 18th Mistress, Blames Phallic Imagery of Golf
JUPITER ISLAND, FL—In a press conference today, Tiger Woods retracted his previous earth-shattering statement: “I’m human and I’m not perfect.” Woods claimed that he recently realized that these generic labels were insufficient to describe him. “I’m also a man,” he said. “And I’m a Neo-Freudian now.” The famed golfer sought psychiatric treatment when the details of his unsavory personal life came to the attention of the media. Woods believes that this decision has changed his entire perspective buy custom essays online on his
Wife Not Spending Enough Time in Kitchen
LITTLE ROCK, AR—A month after his wife landed a position as a volunteer at the local Salvation Army, Bud Bixby worries that she is not spending enough time in the kitchen. “I don’t know,” said Bixby, staring blankly around his empty kitchen. “There used to be so much food. Now, there’s just leftovers all the time. It’s almost as if Louanne doesn’t care anymore.” Bixby has been married to his wife, Louanne, for 16 years, and this is the first
Fall News Update
Zombie Apocalypse Newscast
ZOMBIE ISSUE: Zombie Frat Busted for “Menu” in Basement
Delta Upsilon, a predominantly undead frat, was busted earlier in the week for having a full wall in their basement dedicated to girls they had “dined and dashed” on. This wall assigned points to the most gluttonous eaters who had “hit” the most girls. The frat assigned points to each girl they had eaten or planned to eat, setting goals for larger girls that took more perseverance to eat, and red-headed girls, known as “gingers,” that were less attainable due
ZOMBIE ISSUE: Kama Cerebrum: Three Tips for Your Oral Pleasure
EVANSTON,IL — Let’s face it: it’s hard to get some good head these days. Even when you’re lucky enough to find one, it’s likely that the brain inside has been fermented by excessive alcohol consumption or turned mushy from too much television watching. But I’m here to help. I can’t guarantee you that there will be more brain in your world, but I can promise that if you try some of the tricks below, you will maximize your brain-eating pleasure. 1.