EVANSTONâOh shit itâs 4/20! Shit shit shit! What time is it? Holy 11:37!? That means I have … let me see … carry the three … 12 hours and 33 mi…no wait 12 hours and 24 minutes to smoke! Whereâs my stash, closet closet closet … crap itâs all gone! Must be Josh, that fucking weed-stealing d-bag, fucking stole all my fucking weed … where can I get some bud? Let me call Karl, heâll have some … connecting …
EVANSTONâWith April 20th looming, as every year, just on the heels of April 19, vending machines across the country are being restocked and fortified against the impending onslaught of stoners who âcould really go for some Ho-Hos right now.â In dorm buildings and break rooms everywhere, vending machine companies are seeking to prepare themselves for the sudden demand for their services that occurs every year on Hitlerâs birthday, knowing full well that insufficient preparation could lead to disaster. It is
WASHINGTONâThis past week, with the capture and subsequent (successful) rebellion of the Maersk Alabama on the Horn of Africa against Somali pirates, President Obama pledged to fight piracy. He had decided to start with the notoriously ârecklessâ pirate, Jack Sparrow, aka Johnny Depp due to his flamboyant portrayals of piracy in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Other targeted pirates include Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly, as their portrayal of piracy indicated that pirates have some sort of higher purpose.
SEOULâA report surfaced early Friday morning that the North Korean military had successfully launched a rocket from a beach near Pyongyang. The rocket cruised 100 ft. across the beach before landing harmlessly in the breaking waves of the Pacific Ocean. âThis is a great day for the North Korean military,â explained foreign official Kim-Seong Moon, âIt truly establishes North Korea as one of the most potent military forces in the entire world.â The rocket was clearly ineffective, as it fizzled
EVANSTONâIn a press release issued late last week, a previously unknown coalition of Northwestern students from California and Florida announced that they would be suing the University for âmisuse of the word âspringâ.â This legal action comes after the discovery that weather during Spring Quarter was neither warm nor sunny. âItâs just not fair,â whined a member of the group who spoke to The Flipside on condition of anonymity. âWhen I saw the words âSpring Quarter,â I assumed that it
MCHENRY, ILâCecil Daniels used to be neurotic about littering. He has admitted to keeping trash bags in his Toyota Prius to pick up and throw away garbage on the street. Since childhood, Daniels said, he was aware of the effects of littering, an attitude created by a public service announcement. That has since changed. âThese âecoâ products are amazing, theyâve totally changed my life,â Daniels told The Flipside. âNow, I just toss my used 5th generation brand paper plates out
CHICAGOâThe International Olympic Committeeâs (IOC) five day tour of the city was cut short late Sunday evening. Members began arriving on Thursday at Chicagoâs OâHare International Airport and were welcomed by a colorful display of 2016 Olympic banners and flags. Mayor Daley was on hand for the IOCâs arrival. âWeâve been planning this for a long time. We have to put a lot of time and money into this; weâll try to impress the [committee] as much as possible. It
WASHINGTONâPresident Barack Obama has used a very hands on approach to try to revive the economy. He has, as promised in his campaign, attempted to remove agencies or institutions which are not operating efficiently or effectively. Last week, Obama forced General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to resign, citing that GMâs troubles were largely Wagonerâs fault. Obamaâs control over GM did not stop with just its C.E.O. Obamaâs changes in office have been as specific as selecting new cars for his
WASHINGTONâAfter learning that the disease often contracted in the spring, March Madness, was not covered in Americaâs health care plan for millions of citizens, President Obama decided action was necessary. At a press conference earlier today, The President addressed the issue, âThis is a serious problem. We need to change the system. I know this disease affects real folks, myself included, and it is important to make this a priority.â March Madness is an extremely contagious disease, most prevalent in
Robert Aban completed DM in 30 hours, tying his own personal mark of 30 hours, and also tying the world record of 30 hours.