NUPD to Upgrade Ninja Monkey Outside Allison
Sources indicated that NUPD has enough money saved up from multiple years of not upgrading their monkeys.
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Dozens Dead as Doors Open On the Right at Foster
Multiple eyewitness accounts described the incident as “horrifying” and “inconvenient.”
Graduating Senior Doesn’t Have Plans for Summer, Life
“I might end up spending summer bumming around, or working that godforsaken Auntie Anne kiosk again, and maybe I’ll keep doing that forever.”
SOFO Training Expanded to Quarter-Long .34 Credit Class
This class, listed as SOFO_391, will be available starting Fall 2016 and will be worth .34 credits.
Area Man’s Cousin Knows a Guy
Local sources have confirmed that local student James Beach’s, WCAS ’19, cousin knows a guy.
ETHS Student: I’ll Drink at Dillo, but I Won’t Touch The Devil’s Grass
He also repeatedly emphasizes that he has only consumed alcohol, and not “the evil plant.”
Fraternity Banner: Fuck Mayfest (Consensually)
Northwestern’s Fappa Fappa Fappa chapter added a Dillo-themed banner to the ranks of anti-rape slogans hung on fraternity houses around campus.
Area Freshman Nails Mother’s Day with E-Card
“When I saw ‘jackoff69@gmail.com has sent you an e-card’ in my inbox, why, my heart was all of a flutter,” Macy McDonald said.