Area Freshman “Goes with the Flow,” Found Dead in Trash Can Next Day
“Man, I’ve never seen a man inject heroin and LSD so fast into his ass before.”
Category Archives: Articles
Trevor Siemian Has Good First Day at the Office
Siemian successfully completed 18 of 26 sales calls, and personnel manager Gary Kubiak called one of those calls “touchdown quality.”
Northwestern Grad Receives Promotion at Denver-Based Firm
Siemian’s promotion means he will follow in the footsteps of many previous Northwestern graduates who also work long, intense hours in ultra-competitive, high-turnover professions.
Abroad Student Decides Uganda Isn’t So Bad
Sources report that this revelation occurred when he saw Donald Trump insult veterans, Muslims, Republicans, and fucking babies in just the past week.
Hillary Leaves Burnt Offering on the Tomb of Reagan
It has often been noted that Hillary is “likeable enough,” but struggles to inspire people with the shameless optimism and charm of Reagan.
Off-Campus Parties, Islamic State Too Much for Tisdahl
Sources close to the out-going mayor see how hard Tisdahl works to ease the Town and Gown and Town and Hijab relations.
Obama to Clinton: “I’d Look Fly” in Supreme Court Robes
Over the past few months, Obama has dropped Clinton not-so-subtle hints that he would like to be considered as her Supreme Court nominee once Donald Trump’s campaign sufficiently implodes.
Mom’s Judging Harder to Ignore During Summer
Apart from increased opportunities for face-to-face maternal judgment, sudden discoveries of school-year secrets also contribute to July’s status as the golden days of parental condescension.
Op-Ed: I Guess Now We Can Just Slightly Fondle Mayfest
Mayfest was already asked to endure a hardcore pounding for a whole year, so a more subtle and sensual approach could act as better positive encouragement.
Loser Spends Memorial Day Writing Essays He Should’ve Finished Saturday
As of 2:51 PM local time, Isaacs was preparing to “get shit done,” having just finished up the fifteenth different Pokémon Nuzlocke video while he was reading the play he was supposed to analyze for Wednesday.