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BREAKING: Mayor Tisdahl Received Campaign Donation from Ghost of Francis Willard

January 30, 2012 Brian Lee Leave a comment

Flipside Exclusive! EVANSTON – Reports indicate that Mayor Tisdahl has received a large sum of campaign donations from the ghost of renowned prohibitionist Francis Willard over the past few years. Leaked internal documents shows that Willard, lobbying on behalf of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union, has provided thousands of dollars for Tisdahl’s campaign. Tisdahl has denied that her rigid stance against drinking, brothels and happiness was influenced by the donations. “I have always fought hard for the peace and safety

SOPA Uproar Leads Area Man to Discover Internet for First Time

January 30, 2012 Chandler Dutton Leave a comment

A special editorial from area man Bob McCulloghy So this past Sunday night, I was flipping through the most recent issue of Life Magazine, watching some good ole’ public broadcast television – and I heard about this SOPA thing. Barbara Calhoun was reporting that if SOPA happened, this thing called ‘The Internet’ would start getting regulated by the government. Now I’m not normally one to judge the government – they’ve never done anything to me. Every day, I wake up

Lake Michigan Milk Spill Dubbed ‘Most Unexpected Disaster in History’ by President Obama

January 30, 2012 Brian Lee Leave a comment

MILWAUKEE – In response to the milk spill that covered the western rim of Lake Michigan with a layer of milk fat, President Obama visited the shores of Milwaukee to encourage the thousands of volunteers helping in the cleanup effort. The spilled milk has since spread over a large area, reaching as far as Western Michigan and the north shores of Chicago. Images of flocks of geese covered in milk fat have gathered attention from the press and garnered criticism

Italian Cruise Ship Runs Aground on Massive Stereotype

January 25, 2012 Andrew Gresik Leave a comment

GIGLIO, ITALY- Italian Coast Guard incident reports released exclusively to the Flipside have shed new light on the true cause of the Costa Concordia disaster. While the official reports have posited several theories (ranging from the sudden appearance of a beautiful woman on shore to repeated ship-to-shore telephone calls from the captain’s mother) as to why the ship ran aground and sank, transcripts from police interviews with Captain Francesco Schettino suggest otherwise. Twenty minutes into the interview, Schettino appears to

“Ask Kenan” But Not About Kel: Burger Magnate to Keep USDA Prime Secrets

January 24, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

EVANSTON — A&O Productions is thrilled to announce that winter speaker Kenan Thompson will be performing this Friday January 27, 2012 at Pick-Staiger Auditorium, and will answer questions in a brief Q&A period following his stand-up routine. As advertised on their “ASK KENAN” posters, A&O says students can feel free to ask the performer questions about any aspect of his rich television and film career, with the exception of any subjects related to his former co-star and business partner Kel

Read more Articles, Entertainment, No. 72

Al-Qaeda Admit That Mark Wahlberg Would Have Kicked Their Asses

January 24, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

After Wahlberg claimed that “[the hijacking] wouldn’t have went down like it did” in a Men’s Journal interview, Al-Qaeda spokesmen ceded that years of planning and use of terror tactics would have completely unraveled in the steely, unsmiling face of the Contraband star.

Martin Luther King, Jr. Day Causes Annual Peak In White Guilt

January 18, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

EVANSTON – This past Monday, Caucasian students all over Northwestern’s campus banded together to feel collectively uncomfortable as the nation celebrated Martin Luther King Jr. Day. While a service day on Saturday and a Monday night vigil were held in King’s honor, the biggest tribute to his legacy was the multitude of slight sensations of guilt held within the hearts of all the privileged Aryan Northwestern students. “I spent the whole day feeling a vague sense of unease. Maybe I’m

Dumb Freshmen Excited by First Snowfall

January 18, 2012 Justin Erb Leave a comment

EVANSTON – With January halfway over, Northwestern University experienced its first snowfall of winter quarter last Thursday, much to the excitement of stupid, stupid freshmen. “I am, like, so excited for all this snow!” exclaimed well-meaning-yet-slightly-dim Weinberg freshman Jessica Garber. “I grew up in SoCal, so I’m super pumped for this snowfall. Literally every upperclassman I know has told me how shitty the weather gets here, but I’m sure the snow will be awesome forever.” “Snow is so unbelievably fun,”

Crunchwrap Supreme Court Sentences Cereal Killer to Death

January 16, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

WASHINGTON – The Crunchwrap Supreme Court announced Tuesday their verdict in UBFA v. Kellogg, affirming the death sentence for Barry Kellogg issued by the 11th Court of Applepeels. The verdict did not come as a surprise after a photograph of the defendant surfaced that provided nearly insurmountable evidence of the defendant’s guilt. Ruth Bader Ginsburger, who wrote the majority opinion, summarized the photograph: “Kellogg is standing with one of the victims, Trixie Leporis. Both are smiling; the defendant has evidently

Tanorexia a Growing Concern for Uprooted Guidos

January 16, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

MTV’s Jersey Shore Cast Raises Awareness for Spreading Medical Concern SEASIDE HEIGHTS — While culture critics have decried Jersey Shore as “inane,” the season premiere of the reality show has brought an important health issue facing young Americans to the public consciousness. In Italy, a country famous for its cold climate and harsh terrain, Mike, Vinny, Pauly D, and the rest of the cast have suffered from “tanorexia,” struggling to maintain an even burnt-orange base-coat last season. The seriousness of