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Tyler Perry Makes Movie About Black People

September 25, 2009 Chase Sund Leave a comment

HOLLYWOOD—Lionsgate Entertainment announced Tuesday that filmmaker Tyler Perry has plans to create a picture about African-Americans. The movie is to be released in theaters on October 23rd, but most critics are surprised that it managed to break free of the “straight-to-DVD” branding of most “stupid” movies. “This is a huge step forward in filmmaking,” said Cornelius Jones, a Lionsgate executive. “Never before has there been a film geared mostly towards an ethnic audience about a single ethnic group. [Perry] is

Kanye West Interrupts President’s Convocation Address

September 25, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Northwestern President Morton Schapiro’s convocation address to incoming freshmen was rudely interrupted when Kanye West barged onto the stage and interrupted the speech. The well-known rapper grabbed the microphone from Schapiro’s grip and spoke to the shocked group of freshmen. “I’ve seen crazy things before, but nothing quite like this,” commented freshman John Rennault, “Who would believe that someone as fly as Morton Schapiro would be interrupted in the middle of an address?” After grabbing the mic, West did not

Ask The Flipside – Hangout Places

September 25, 2009 Andrew Gresik Leave a comment

Dear The Northwestern Flipside, I’m a freshman, where are the best places to hang out on campus? Sincerely, Mitch Skillman Dear Mitch, I’m glad you asked, as there are a lot of really cool places where really cool people hang out and do really cool stuff. For instance, there is a popular vampire-themed dance club in the 28th sub-basement of Tech. Don’t worry, it has nothing to do with Twilight, many engineers simply find that long hours in Tech tend

PMA Found Stockpiling Estrogen Pills

September 25, 2009 Corey Moss Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Phi Mu Alpha, Northwestern University’s premier fraternity, has recently decided to invest the majority of its funds on estrogen pills in order to attempt to fit in with their neighboring sorority sisters. Located at 626 Emerson Street, the house is situated in the middle of sorority row. Recently, the musical brothers discovered that their neighbors are, in fact, female. As a result of this shocking find, many of PMA’s residents have become overwhelmingly self-conscious and distraught because of their distinct

Band of Lost Boys Discovered in Tech Basement

September 25, 2009 Michael Guhin Leave a comment

EVANSTON—When freshman Conrad Stevens went to his first lab in Tech on Wednesday, he ended up stumbling upon a colony of students living in the halls. “I’d just passed L22 for the fifth goddamn time,” Stevens recounts, “when I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. I could have sworn I heard whispers.” Upon investigation, Stevens realized he had found a small village lining the halls of the A wing basement. “They were all wearing long-sleeved shirts,

Cheney Ready to Lead Death Panels

September 16, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

WASINGTON—The former Vice-President has led an outspoken life after completing his second term in January. There is little doubt that he has been critical of the Democratic majority, particularly of President Obama’s decision to close Guantanamo Bay. He was heavily opposed to Obama’s new health care plan as well, until he learned of government “death panels.” “These new death panels,” Dick Cheney told The Flipside in an exuberant state, “will do great things for the American people. It will finally

Brett Favre Holds Press Conference to Announce Retirement from Press Conferences

September 16, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

MINNEAPOLIS—Minnesota Vikings quarterback and NFL great Brett Favre held a press conference today to announce that he would no longer be conducting press conferences. “This is a hard decision for me and my family,” Brett informed the media, “but I feel I can no longer execute solid press conferences like I could in Green Bay.” Favre then began crying and stated that he would offer no further comment. The announcement came as a surprise to many, who didn’t think Favre

Northwestern Women’s Lacrosse Team Turns Water into Wine

May 22, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Several members of the Northwestern Women’s Lacrosse Team, who (hopefully) just won their fifth national championship in as many years, are able to turn water into wine and perform other miracles, according to several sources close to the team. “We went to a party to celebrate the championship,” said senior leader Hannah Nielsen, “but it was already dry. Luckily, that’s no problem for us. They fetched us some tap water, and the party really got started.” Attendees of the party

Paper Clip Found Mauled on Side of Road

May 22, 2009 Scott Grindy Leave a comment

SKOKIE—The corpse of a local paper clip was found dead on the side of Interstate 94 late last night. The condition of the body made it difficult to recognize. After reconstructive analysis, the clip was identified as Clippy [actual name], a local office assistant. The last known photograph of the victim is shown to the left. “While I won’t comment on the condition of the body, I will say that he won’t be helping anyone format any outlines in the

Cheney Defends Torture Policies, Jim Crow Laws, Compromise of 1850

May 22, 2009 Josh Berry Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—In yet another press conference, former Vice-President Dick Cheney reiterated his support for George W. Bush’s torture policies, comparing them to other unpopular legislation that was once heavily supported. “President Bush’s stance on torture regarding Guantanamo Bay detainees is not unlike the Jim Crow Laws of the 19th and 20th centuries,” said Cheney to a room of 250 reporters from all around the world. “They both did a lot of good for a lot of people, and they’ve both received