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Half of Astronaut’s Salary Goes to Beer for the Trip Up

May 15, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Atlantis’ astronauts grabbed hold of the Hubble Space Telescope at the end of last week, quickly setting their sights on the unprecedented spacewalking repairs they will attempt over the next couple of days. “It’s going to be tough,” explained head astronaut, Jim Bernstein. “My hands are shaking just thinking about it. One wrong move and we could float off into space.” The Atlantis astronauts tried to keep cool on the way up as a way to cope with

Ask The Flipside – Why Don’t You Have Any Articles Regarding Women?

May 15, 2009 Andrew Gresik Leave a comment

Dear The Northwestern Flipside, Why don’t you have any “Area Woman” articles? It seems like you only ever write articles about men. Sincerely, Sheila Von Ontario Dear Sheila, The main reason that the Flipside is so testosterone-fueled is that women rarely do anything stupid enough for us to bother writing articles about them. It’s so much easier to make up funny stories about some drunken dude’s escapades than it is to find humor in cooking and cleaning. I mean, look

Pick-Staiger Concert Hall Annexed by North Shore Retirement Hotel

May 8, 2009 Kevin Soter Leave a comment

EVANSTON—To the profound joy of the local senior community, the North Shore Retirement Hotel announced its acquisition of Northwestern’s Pick-Staiger Concert Hall yesterday. North Shore proprietor Bernie Segal explained his decision today in a heavily-attended press conference at Pick-Staiger. “It just seemed like the logical choice,” said Segal. “All of my residents were spending every evening at Pick-Staiger, so now we can save on transportation costs and give our residents the convenience they’ve been demanding.” When asked about the takeover,

New “Unpopular Science” Magazine Only Popular with Unpopular Crowd

May 8, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

CHICAGO—It is clear that print media has faced hard times as of late. In an interesting revival tactic, Popular Science Magazine is attempting to counter the downturn by releasing a new sister publication entitled Unpopular Science. The format of the new magazine is similar to that of Popular Science, which features innovations from some of today’s most interesting scientific fields. Unpopular Science, however, focuses mainly on geology. “We were really trying to broaden our demographics,” noted the president of Popular

For One Day, Trekkies Get to Be Cool

May 8, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Devoted fans of the Star Trek franchise, referred to informally as Trekkies, rejoiced yesterday as JJ Abrams’ critically acclaimed Star Trek prequel hit theaters last weekend. “Finally,” said local Trekkie Stephen Geary, “we Trekkies can get the respect we deserve.” He then made a “V” sign between his middle and ring finger and added, “Live long and prosper.” With hordes of moviegoers attending the new film, Trekkies have been able to share their knowledge of Trek trivia. “It’s great,” explained

Ask The Flipside – Why Do You Keep Putting Stuff in my Mailbox?

May 8, 2009 Andrew Gresik Leave a comment

Dear The Northwestern Flipside, Why do you assholes keep putting stuff in my mailbox? Yours Truly, Gerd Höffenhauer Well Gerd, some people actually appreciate receiving The Flipside every week. Actually, the fact that you don’t appreciate The Flipside would seem to indicate that you are not human. So we at The Flipside have a question for you: What the fuck are you? Are you a Dementor? Are you Ann Coulter? Or a zombie perhaps? Or maybe you are just a

Jack Bauer Unable to Prevent Terrorists from Releasing Swine Flu

May 1, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—Jack Bauer has been busy. So busy, in fact, that he finally let one slip through his fingers. A terrorist cell in affiliation with a private company in association with a terrorist group helped and then destroyed by Tony Almeda only to be re-affiliated with Tony Almeda in connection with a rogue government agent has successfully released the deadly Swine flu into the general population. Jack Bauer, anti-terrorist extraordinaire, failed to save the U.S. from what could turn into a

New Student John Wilkes Booth Suspiciously Good at “Assassins”

May 1, 2009 Scott Grindy Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Transfer student John Wilkes Booth has been on an “Assassins” rampage lately, “killing” six targets last night with surprising cunning and skill. As the game comes down to its final players, many are calling Booth the favorite because of his sneak tactics. “He just came out of a supply closet and hit me right between the eyes,” said Shmabraham Shmincoln, one of Booth’s victims. “It was really creepy, now that I think about it. The whole time he had this

Barack Obama Friends Hugo Chavez on Facebook

May 1, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—After exchanging a handshake and what were described as “warm words” with Hugo Chavez, Barack Obama friended the Venezuelan president on Facebook yesterday. Obama described the move as “a step forward in American foreign policy.” Chavez was quick to accept the friend request, saying he was happy to finally get the respect he deserved from the American government. “All that Bush guy ever did was send me pokes. For crying out loud George, do you have any idea how annoying

Netflix Runs Out of Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle on 4/20

April 17, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

LOS GATOS, CA—Users of the popular DVD distribution service Netflix were up in arms on Monday after the company ran out of copies of the popular comedy “Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle,” a film popular with stoners all over the globe. “Like, dude,” area Netflix user Ben Mellon told The Flipside, “not seeing “Harold and Kumar” on 4/20 totally messes with my chi. That one scene where they get the White Castle burgers is sweeeeet.” Netflix spokesman Adam