Articles | Northwestern Flipside

Category Archives: Articles

1859 EDITION: UChicago No-Shows, Forfeits Match

October 19, 2009 Brad Horras Leave a comment

EVANSTON—In a showing of the sissy reputation sure to become widespread in 31 years when The University of Chicago is founded, the Maroons failed to show up to their baseball match-up against Northwestern on Monday night. It’s a pathetic 65th loss in a row for UChicago, and Northwestern captain William Newberg said he wasn’t surprised. “Whether it’s a little rain, a minor injury, or simply not even existing until 1890, it’s always something with them. Our team has been formed

1859 EDITION: As Carriage Costs Rise, Students Demand U-Buggy Pass

October 18, 2009 Amanda Simmons Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Chicago’s Carriage Dispatch announced it will raise its prices three halfcents this month in an effort to remedy its debt. The transportation company had been hoping to be included in the federal bailout package, but the stimulus moneys were instead offered to South Carolina, who requested financial assistance with building a militia. “We overextended ourselves. We dug too many dirt paths throughout the city and now we have to pay for them,” explained CCD Deputy Daniel Boone Heade, whose grandsire

1859 EDITION ONLINE ONLY: Willie the Wildcat Mistakenly Shot, Seasoned, Enjoyed by Local Trapper

October 16, 2009 Alec Khan Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Scholars and community members alike today mourn the death of Willy the Wildcat, Northwestern University’s beloved mascot. Willy, actually a thirty-five pound seven year old lynx, was shot dead early yesterday afternoon when famed trapper Mathias Weatherspoon set out to prepare something for dinner. “Dad always said, an animal with spirit is a well fed animal,” remarks Weatherspoon, 27, “and a well fed animal is worth the bullet.” According to university officials, a large cattle branding adorning its right hind

Read more Local

McCormick Students Celebrate Centennial by Playing Video Games, Practicing Abstinence

October 9, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Yesterday was another glorious day for the studious residents of Slivka Science and Engineering Residential College. Birds were chirping. Pencils were scribbling away at organic chemistry problems. Nintendo 64 controllers were being thrown in frustration during rousing matches of Super Smash Brothers. There was not a public display of affection to be found. There was nothing atypical about this kind of day, or any day in the past one hundred years. McCormick, Northwestern’s school of Engineering, has begun celebrating its

Read more Local

Swim in The Lakefill Just This Once, Com’on

October 9, 2009 Brad Horras Leave a comment

By The Lakefill Monster Ok, so let me get this straight. There’s a luscious pool of what is clearly imported glacier water from Switzerland in the middle of campus and you’re not gonna take a dip because the school says you shouldn’t? You’re killing me. Get your youthful sense of adventure together and just seize the day! Worst case scenario – you’ll get high on life. I never let a bunch of puritans in suits push me around, and you

Read more Local

Safe Ride Driver Arrested for DUI

October 9, 2009 Michael Anders Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Last night around 1:45 AM, SafeRide driver Jimmy Sloan was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol while transporting Northwestern sophomore David Bernstein from a ZBT frat party to his south campus residence. According to Evanston police officer Ralph Williams, Sloan attempted to street race on Sheridan Road with an Intercampus shuttle which was not willing to join him. Said Sloan, “I give him the look, you know? The bus driver made eye contact with me so I knew

Read more Local

Palin Memoir to Include Color-By-Numbers, Hidden Pictures

October 9, 2009 Dan Stevens Leave a comment

JUNEAU, AK—Former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin has finished writing her memoir, Going Rogue: An American Life. Originally slated to be a 400-page chronicle of Palin’s political and personal life, the memoir underwent a complete overhaul of its content and scope, leading to its completion months ahead of schedule. “The initial intent of the memoir was to touch upon Palin’s personal beliefs, family life, and experiences growing up in Alaska and in politics,” said Maria Tonne, a spokesperson

Northwestern to Expand Eastward, Build Archipelago

October 9, 2009 Matthew Rizman Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Northwestern President Morton Schapiro unveiled plans to supplement the Evanston campus’ lake fill with a private archipelago across Lake Michigan at his inauguration on Friday, Oct. 9. The plan will raise awareness about sustainability by using organic material from old-growth rainforests to fill the archipelago’s islands, Schapiro said. Citing the cramped conditions of the Sept. 19 ‘Rock the Beach’ dance party thrown for freshmen during Wildcat Welcome Week, Shapiro noted in his inaugural address that “the time is now” for

Read more Local

Poster Sale Purchases More Interesting Than Buyers

October 9, 2009 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON—You can tell a lot about a man by his wall. No, not his Facebook wall. People can create false personas and post things on their own wall; thus, making them look much more popular than they really are, not that I would know or anything… No, I am talking about the $10,000 dorm room wall. You know it is a bad sign when a kid puts nothing on his wall. He probably has no personality. The kid’s is as

President Obama Wins Flipside Readership Award

October 8, 2009 Amanda Simmons Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—The nation went into a state of shock last night after President Barack Obama unexpectedly was awarded the internationally-celebrated honor of “Having Read the Most Issues of Northwestern Flipside.” Obama admitted he himself was surprised by the win, as he has never before read an issue of The Flipside. The president said he is deeply humbled by the award, but realizes he still has some reading to do. “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be