Category Archives: No. 46

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Zombie Frat Busted for “Menu” in Basement

Delta Upsilon, a predominantly undead frat, was busted earlier in the week for having a full wall in their basement dedicated to girls they had “dined and dashed” on. This wall assigned points to the most gluttonous eaters who had “hit” the most girls. The frat assigned points to each girl they had eaten or planned to eat, setting goals for larger girls that took more perseverance to eat, and red-headed girls, known as “gingers,” that were less attainable due

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Kama Cerebrum: Three Tips for Your Oral Pleasure

EVANSTON,IL — Let’s face it: it’s hard to get some good head these days. Even when you’re lucky enough to find one, it’s likely that the brain inside has been fermented by excessive alcohol consumption or turned mushy from too much television watching. But I’m here to help. I can’t guarantee you that there will be more brain in your world, but I can promise that if you try some of the tricks below, you will maximize your brain-eating pleasure. 1.

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Zombie Hunter Loves Meeting, Killing Celebrities

RENO, NV — Following the outbreak of a mysterious virus causing zombie-like symptoms in the infected, former bank teller Jack Manson has become one of many survivors to embrace the hot new career of “Zombie Hunter”, drawn in by the promise of action, glamour, and the increasingly likely possibility of disemboweling smug celebrities. “It’s abso-fuckin’-lutely awesome!” Manson exclaimed. “If you had told me just two months ago that I’d get to shove a shotgun into Bono’s mouth and tell him

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Lack of Brains Ensures Safety of Jersey Shore Cast

MIAMI, FL — Much to the relief of Jersey Shore fans everywhere, it has been confirmed that due to the lack of brains to be had throughout the group, they will all most likely be safe during the zombie apocalypse. So will the people who watch the show. When asked how she felt about being able to survive the zombies, Snooki’s immediate response was, “Behhhhhhhh. Are any of them gorilla juiceheads?” Jwoww agreed, but was upset that the zombies would

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Zombie Survival Guide: Don’t let them get you, at NU

An Open Letter to the Remaining Uninfected Northwestern Student Body: We all knew this day would come, and finally it’s here. The zombie apocalypse is upon us, and for those that didn’t think to prepare in advance and complete the optional Essential NU online zombie training course, we have complied a brief guide to protect those brains you’re spending so much money to educate. Preparation/Training: If you have time before the zombies reach your dorm, break through the barriers on

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Compassionate Zombie Exiled By Peers, Not Allowed to Play Kickbrain

Zombie 1008 has faced untold of isolation for his extremely sensitive views on brain-eating etiquette, puppy killing and zombie baptisms. “We knew from the day he was infected he was something different,” said his blood father, #873. “We just didn’t know that different meant ‘having a heart’ instead of wanting to eat them.” 1008 likes to spend his days by the toxic green river, staring at his reflection and pondering the beauty of his molding flesh. Some have even reported that

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