Category Archives: Articles

Obama Fires GM Car Salesman for not Having Right Make, Model

WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama has used a very hands on approach to try to revive the economy. He has, as promised in his campaign, attempted to remove agencies or institutions which are not operating efficiently or effectively. Last week, Obama forced General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to resign, citing that GM’s troubles were largely Wagoner’s fault. Obama’s control over GM did not stop with just its C.E.O. Obama’s changes in office have been as specific as selecting new cars for his

March Madness To Be Covered Under Universal Health Care

WASHINGTON—After learning that the disease often contracted in the spring, March Madness, was not covered in America’s health care plan for millions of citizens, President Obama decided action was necessary. At a press conference earlier today, The President addressed the issue, “This is a serious problem. We need to change the system. I know this disease affects real folks, myself included, and it is important to make this a priority.” March Madness is an extremely contagious disease, most prevalent in

Endowment “Shrinks” in “Cold” Economy

EVANSTON—Frigid economic conditions have shrunk the size of Northwestern’s endowment, according to new reports from President Bienen’s office. University spokesman Steven Westerstein released a statement yesterday downplaying the so-called “shrinkage” effect on NU’s performance. “We here at Northwestern University have always felt that it’s not about the size of the endowment, but how you use it that really matters. Besides, it’s not like our endowment is that small. At least we’re still bigger than Wash U.” Northwestern student reactions were

Opinion: New Facebook Has Ruined My Life

Well isn’t this just great? My life was finally starting to get on track. I was just beginning to like my job and I was actually making money in the stock market, if you can believe that. Then, all of a sudden, I come home, start up my Mac Book Pro, and boom, Facebook completely flips a shit! Does my life suck or what? Facebook doesn’t care “what’s on my mind.” If they really cared, they’d change back to the

Acquisition of 3 Hole Punch Triples Intern’s Productivity

WHEELING, IL—Bernardo Johnson, intern of Midland Paper, was honored today for the Intern of the Year Award. Johnson, a 39-year-old graduate of the University of North Dakota, has been working for Midland for 14 years. This is the first award for Bernardo, as his recent purchase of a Swingline 3-Hole punch has allowed for the company’s stock status reports to be processed three times faster. An over joyous Johnson told The Flipside, “Maybe they’ll finally hire me. I haven’t paid

Christian Bale Contemplating Suicide So He Can Get an Oscar, Too

HOLLYWOOD—Renowned actor Christian Bale, star of the two most recent Batman films, including 2008’s mega-hit The Dark Knight, released a press statement today in which he explained his will to die so that he can win an Academy Award for Best Actor. “I’ll make it look like an accident,” Bale said in his statement, “you know, jump out a window and make it look like I fell or something. That should get the Academy’s attention.” Bale’s co-star in The Dark

Self-Centered Loser Starts Own Facebook Fan Page

EVANSTON—If you haven’t listened to each of Barry Joshenstein’s songs 18 times yet, you must have zero taste in music. Just ask Barry himself. “My music is amazing!” said Barry. “It’s more catchy that the Beatles, more badass than Biggie Smalls, and more emotional than Death Cab, but much less wimpy. There is no way anybody can say anything bad about my stuff.” Joshenstein started his own Facebook fan page about a week ago to promote his music in an

Out of Pity, Chicago Cubs Allowed to Use Steroids

CHICAGO—Without a World Series title in 101 years, enough is enough. Cubs fans have forever been tantalized as America’s losers, but that may soon change. In a last hurrah approach to win it all, the Chicago Cubs have worked out a deal with Major League Baseball that would allow them to use steroids in the upcoming 2009 season. If they are unable to finish on top, even with the use of steroids, they, and their farm system, will be terminated

Stephen Hawking One-Upped by Some Guy on Wheel of Fortune

LOS ANGELES—Stephen Hawking was given quite the stir earlier this week as his lead was robbed by some guy named Ted near the end of Wheel of Fortune. As Ted ventured on to accumulate even greater fortune in the Bonus Round, Stephen sat looking shocked and appalled, making guttural noises through his keyboard to express his frustration. “I never heard of this dude before, but he made it real hard for me to win” said Ted. “When he said he

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