Well isnât this just great? My life was finally starting to get on track. I was just beginning to like my job and I was actually making money in the stock market, if you can believe that. Then, all of a sudden, I come home, start up my Mac Book Pro, and boom, Facebook completely flips a shit! Does my life suck or what? Facebook doesnât care âwhatâs on my mind.â If they really cared, theyâd change back to the
WHEELING, ILâBernardo Johnson, intern of Midland Paper, was honored today for the Intern of the Year Award. Johnson, a 39-year-old graduate of the University of North Dakota, has been working for Midland for 14 years. This is the first award for Bernardo, as his recent purchase of a Swingline 3-Hole punch has allowed for the companyâs stock status reports to be processed three times faster. An over joyous Johnson told The Flipside, âMaybe theyâll finally hire me. I havenât paid
HOLLYWOODâRenowned actor Christian Bale, star of the two most recent Batman films, including 2008’s mega-hit The Dark Knight, released a press statement today in which he explained his will to die so that he can win an Academy Award for Best Actor. “I’ll make it look like an accident,” Bale said in his statement, “you know, jump out a window and make it look like I fell or something. That should get the Academy’s attention.” Bale’s co-star in The Dark
EVANSTONâIf you haven’t listened to each of Barry Joshensteinâs songs 18 times yet, you must have zero taste in music. Just ask Barry himself. “My music is amazing!” said Barry. “It’s more catchy that the Beatles, more badass than Biggie Smalls, and more emotional than Death Cab, but much less wimpy. There is no way anybody can say anything bad about my stuff.” Joshenstein started his own Facebook fan page about a week ago to promote his music in an
CHICAGOâWithout a World Series title in 101 years, enough is enough. Cubs fans have forever been tantalized as Americaâs losers, but that may soon change. In a last hurrah approach to win it all, the Chicago Cubs have worked out a deal with Major League Baseball that would allow them to use steroids in the upcoming 2009 season. If they are unable to finish on top, even with the use of steroids, they, and their farm system, will be terminated
LOS ANGELESâStephen Hawking was given quite the stir earlier this week as his lead was robbed by some guy named Ted near the end of Wheel of Fortune. As Ted ventured on to accumulate even greater fortune in the Bonus Round, Stephen sat looking shocked and appalled, making guttural noises through his keyboard to express his frustration. “I never heard of this dude before, but he made it real hard for me to win” said Ted. “When he said he
WASHINGTONâWith the DOW closing just above 7,850 on Friday, economists are predicting that the worst has yet to come. A mortgage crisis, depreciation of the dollar, and a failed economic policy by the Bush administration are largely to blame for tough economic conditions. With companies forced to cut down on spending, laying off workers was inevitable. Unemployment has reached its highest rate in years, 7.6%, that according to the United States Department of Labor. Spokesman for the Department of Labor,
BOULDER JUNCTION, WIâIn what is being called revolutionary and ground-breaking news around the country, the simple couple from Boulder Junction, Wisconsin, Mary and Timothy Dawson, have high hopes that they will adopt a highway. The Dawsonâs had been trying to have a child for the past three years, but it just wasnât working. âWe went to our doctor,â Mary said, âand he told us we were going to have to look at other options. He suggested possible sperm donation, or
EVANSTONâJason Fisher, an NU Premed student, was shocked when his midterm paper, entitled âFinding the Cure for Cancerâ, received a C grade from his professor, Jeffrey Malloy. The paper, which kept Fisher locked in his room for three sleepless nights until its completion, outlines a radical new method that, when applied to lab rats, was successfully able to cause remission of cancer-causing oncogenes. âTo tell the truth,â a dreary-eyed Fisher lamented, âI thought the paper was pretty sick. I guess
JUNEAU, AKâAlaska Governor and former Vice-Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin is suffering from Post-Traumatic Election Touretteâs Syndrome, say doctors at Juneau Central Medical Center. The Governor was rushed to the hospital from her hometown of Wasilla on Wednesday, January 28th and has been observation ever since. âI saw her walking down the street, and went over to give her a hello, and all she could say was âMaverick maverick 9/11 terrorist Joe sixpack.â I was so confused,â said Wasilla resident and