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Area 6th Grader Does More Work than NU Theatre Major

January 24, 2009 Nick Zessis

EVANSTON, IL – Chuck Davis, winner of Chute Middle School’s spelling bee and science fair, was honored yesterday for his hard work in school and dedication to the Evanston community. Chuck (age 11), along with four other local students, received the prestigious Young Achiever Award. He was surprised with the news during gym class, “I’ve really worked hard for this,” said Davis. “Those extra pre-algebra problems have really paid off.” Chuck’s résumé is impressive. His 4.0 GPA, involvement with several

Rev. Jessie Jackson Deems White League IM Sports “Racist”

January 24, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

EVANSTON—The Reverend Jessie Jackson was in the Evanston area this past week. He was impressed by the university, specifically the “demeanor and standard to which Northwestern students hold themselves.” His temperament soon changed, however, after learning of NU’s intramural sports. “They have a white league? That ain’t right,” Jackson clamored. The white league offers sports like hockey, soccer, and, of course, polo. It’s obvious to see why the league has no ethnic diversity. Non-Caucasians are not prohibited from participating. Their

Cheney in Wheelchair at Obama’s Inauguration; One Step Forward, Two Steps Back in Becoming Dark Sith Lord

January 23, 2009 Adam Adler Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—Last Tuesday, former Vice President Dick Cheney moved one step closer towards achieving his lifetime goal of becoming a Sith Lord. At President Barack Obama’s inauguration ceremony, Cheney was seen, for the first time ever, in a wheel chair, a sign immediately recognized by Star Wars fans across the country as an effort to change from somewhat evil political leader to completely evil Sith Lord. “This move comes straight out of the books,” said Star Wars enthusiast James Clark, “We

Blagojevich Sells NU Kicker’s Foot to Mizzou

January 2, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Northwestern’s loss to Missouri in the Alamo Bowl has brought about criticism of the team’s kicker. After failing to kick a field goal and extra point, Mizzou was able to bring the game to overtime. Northwestern failed to match Mizzou’s touchdown, which gave NU its sixth straight bowl loss. There are some, however, who are not willing to blame only the NU kicker. Several Illinois politicians have accused Governor Rod Blagojevich of influencing Northwestern’s loss. Illinois State Representative

Friendship Ended After Forwarding of Really Dumb Link

January 2, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Fred McMerson and James Schwartz have been “bestest buds” since preschool. They first met at snack time, in which Fred had stolen James’s juice box. Life for the now two teens was all about hanging out with each other and sharing You Tube links (namely “Mad TV John Madden Popcorn Popper,” I suggest you check it out). That friendly lifestyle has since changed. On December 27, James forwarded an e-mail to Fred (mcmersonballa@aol.com) containing a link to a You Tube