EPD Officer Wishing He Was Assigned to Reel Big Fish’s Set

EVANSTON – Following assignment postings for EPD and campus security personnel in anticipation of 2012 Dillo Day events, Evanston police officer Eric Mills, 29, expressed regret that he would not be stationed at the Lakefill for the Reel Big Fish performance.

“I mean, yeah, Cold War Kids are alright and all,” Mills reportedly told his supervisor, “but Cheer Up! was one of my favorite albums back when I was in college. And I can’t think of any better way to relive those concert memories than by being a total dick to current students like my campus police was once to me!”

Mills, an avid music fan, has always looked forward to his Dillo Day assignment. During the 2011 festivities, Mills broke up a fight between three ETHS students who snuck into the show, but opted not to make any arrests because he didn’t want to miss the end of The New Pornographers’ set.

“I’d be fine with the SPAC parking lot,” Mills further explained. “I could at least hear the show and pretend I was there, but the Bobb courtyard? Really? Between breaking up fights, getting aid for dangerously drunk students, and preventing high-schoolers from sneaking in, you’ve got me checking colored wristbands? It’s Bobb! What’s left to fucking steal?”

Unfortunately for Mills, the final updated schedule has revealed that his request for assignment transfer was denied. As one of Evanston’s Finest, however, Mills has stated that he will accept this outcome with maturity and dignity.

“I’m just gonna serve my hours like every other officer at Dillo Day; seething with thinly-veiled resentment and looking for any excuse to write students up.”