Monthly Archives: October 2012

NU Chemistry Department Loses Accreditation for Serving Ethanol to Minors

EVANSTON – Following NU Student Affairs’s decision to disassociate with Chabad House due to clashes over university alcohol policy, Northwestern’s Chemistry department has been stripped of accreditation following reports that ethanol was served to minors during a recent lab. Department chair Elizabeth Locke protested the decision, claiming that providing disciples with ethanol has been a “central tenet” of chemistry for centuries. Although Locke does not deny the charges levied against her department, she has attempted to assure administrators and parents

Dining Hall Nutritional Labels Make Dieting Easy

EVANSTON – Calorie-counting is difficult with foods that don’t come with nutritional labels. Fortunately, NU Cuisine makes the calorie information available to all Northwestern students, like WCAS freshman Ashley Eaton. She is determined to take full advantage of those labels to not only avoid gaining the freshman 15, but to lose it instead. “I’ve always wanted to lose the extra pounds and be the person I want to be in college,” Ashley explained. “And with all the healthy, low-calorie options

Freshman Uncomfortable to Find Condom in Care Package

EVANSTON – As McCormick freshman Hank Crowley tore open the first care package sent from his parents, he was surprised to find that, under the bags of candy and boxes of pastries that he had requested, lay a single, individually-wrapped Trojan condom. When pushed for comment on whether he was expecting the rubber contraceptive to be present among his Reese’s Pieces and Blueberry Pop Tarts, Crowley said, “It was a little weird, because you think if Mom and Dad were

Northwestern Student Literally the Worst at Using Hyperbole

EVANSTON – Northwestern English professor Jane Stevens claims that her student Ronald Gold is, “and I am not exaggerating, the worst there has been and will ever be at using hyperbole.” She adds, “since the dawn of time, there has been nobody more terrible at anything than this kid is at using embellishment as a literary device.” Fellow classmate William King agrees. “If I had to use an analogy to capture my sentiment, I would say his use of hyperbole

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