God Watches, Horrified, as Cru Member Turns off Another Freshman from Religion Forever

EVANSTON — When Weinberg sophomore Jeremiah Tolbert, a member of Cru, also known as the Campus Crusade for Christ, knocked on the door of McCormick freshman Justin Anthony to spread the good Word, his Heavenly Father was watching.

“Well, well, well, what’s little Jerry up to now?” said the Lord of all Creation, swiveling his rolling office chair to have a better view of the action. “Wait—wait. No. Shit.”

God the Almighty became increasingly agitated as Tolbert entered Anthony’s dorm room, sans invitation, to begin a frank and invasive conversation about Jesus Christ.

“Cru’s goal is to urge students to think about God as someone who is present and active within their lives,” said Tolbert, locking Anthony’s door behind him.

As Tolbert sat down with Anthony and began grilling him with questions about life’s meaning, the Father Above rubbed his eyes in exasperation. “Wowzers, Jerr-Bear. Bold move. You know that really reminds me of my son, but jeepers, at least J. C. had some panache. Look at this!”

God gestured down to the dorm room, where a pale Anthony was looking sweatier and more nervous by the minute. “I’m a huge fan of Justin—great kid, great mind—he’s what we call in the biz, ‘the whole package.’ But you know, the dude is an absolute train wreck under pressure, and chatting with Jerry here is more terrifying than sleeping with a lion in its den.”

Meanwhile, Tolbert handed Anthony a pamphlet, continually steering the conversation toward the overwhelming amount of sin that was present in the young man’s life.

It was at this point that Anthony began praying for God to please just get Tolbert the fuck out of his room.

“Well slap a saint and fuck an altar boy, the pooch is screwed,” said God. “We gotta send in evac right away.” He picked up his cell phone, an old Verizon enV, and dialed. “Yo, Gabriel, find Mikey. Tell him we have a situation here…yup, you know it, brah.”

Anthony later spoke with reporters about the incident. “So this guy was totally busting my balls about all this religion stuff, right? And right when he’s in the middle of asking me if I’m ready to rethink my life, the CA knocks on the door! He said he needed my help with some of the new trash bins, so I was able to leave. He really just wanted someone to smoke a blunt with, though.”

When asked if the whole incident had altered his perspective on the world of Christianity, Anthony gave a firm denial. “If anything, I’m less religious than I was before. The deal was sealed when the dude was still in my room when I came back. I just said I had to go to dinner.”

Upon hearing the outcome, God sighed in frustration. “Welp, that sucks. You gotta love little Justin though—what a trooper. Really thought we had him though after the joint—Gabe and Mikey always know who has the best weed.”

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