“It Would Be Really Fucked Up if Our Backpacks Had Nerve Endings” States Local Philosopher
“Imagine what it would feel like to have, like, six months’ worth of crumbs inside of you.”
Tag Archives: Weed
Area Entrepreneur Sells Pounds of Oregano On 4/20
“I can’t go into specific details about my business operations due to the competitiveness of the market. However, I will say that the demand by clueless freshman for small green-colored herbs was significantly higher yesterday than any other day of the year.”
Morty Hotboxes Safe Space
Sources close to Morty revealed how glad he is to have places like this on campus where he can just go chill out, smoke, and not have to worry about being attacked for who he is.
Candy Company Releases Chocolate Passover Bunny
The “Passover Bunny” was designed to capture the joy of hunting for colorful Easter eggs while remembering the blood, sweat and tears of one’s ancestors.
God Watches, Horrified, as Cru Member Turns off Another Freshman from Religion Forever
God the Almighty became increasingly agitated as Tolbert entered Anthony’s dorm room, sans invitation, to begin a frank and invasive conversation about Jesus Christ.
[NU Spork] The Stoner Soufflé: A Delicious Munchies Medley
This medley of common foods found in dorm rooms is the perfect remedy to your munchies if you’re too high to make the trek to Cheesie’s or remember that Jimmy John’s delivers. I guarantee that this recipe will get you the maximum enjoyment out of getting baked without actually baking.
Giants Win World Series, San Francisco Too Blazed to Give a Shit
SAN FRANCISCO—When Brian Wilson recorded the final out of San Francisco’s Game 5 victory over the Walker Texas Rangers, the entire city was thrown into euphoria. The celebration, however, was not a result of the Giants winning the World Series for the first time since the Fifties. More importantly, the day marked 44 years and three weeks since the Beach Boys released “Good Vibrations.” “It’s a well-known fact that the Beach Boys and Mary Jane is a more American combination
Area Man Grows Weed in Farmville, Sells it to Mafia Wars
EVANSTON—Local farmer Buck Jansen was involved in a drug bust Thursday after selling marijuana to local mobster Joe Zamboni, authorities said. Jansen, a highly respected farmer in the area, is best known for his completion of Level Two Daffodil Mastery after just one day of farming. Locals are shocked at this sudden turn of morality. “Last time I checked his page, Jansen had rescued a lonely pink cow from his farm,” said Farmville resident Johnson Smith. “He was always willing
Oh Shit, It’s 4/20!
EVANSTON—Oh shit it’s 4/20! Shit shit shit! What time is it? Holy 11:37!? That means I have … let me see … carry the three … 12 hours and 33 mi…no wait 12 hours and 24 minutes to smoke! Where’s my stash, closet closet closet … crap it’s all gone! Must be Josh, that fucking weed-stealing d-bag, fucking stole all my fucking weed … where can I get some bud? Let me call Karl, he’ll have some … connecting …