BREAKING: Couple Upstairs Really Going At It Right Now

EVANSTON – Reports out of Allison Hall coming in just moments ago indicate that a couple upstairs is, in fact, really going at it right now. The couple has been identified as Mark Linden (MEAS ’19) and Hannah Belt (SOC ’19). Both neglected to turn on music or another form of noise before initiating their sexual relations, resulting in an uninhibited opportunity for you to hear the combined noises of the creaking bed frame, Mark’s primal grunts, and Hannah’s somewhat unenthusiastic vocalizations. Linden speculates the activity will continue at least twenty more minutes, while Hannah is optimistically hoping for another thirty. Experts advise that you, if bothered, should remove yourself from the vicinity, put on headphones, or take advantage of the free auditory pornography.

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