UChicago Frats Deny Racism, Point to Black Neighbors

CHICAGO — Since the leaking of racist e-mail correspondence between members of UChicago’s Tri-Gelt fraternity, the university’s IFC has been frantically trying to salvage their reputation by emphasizing that they have black neighbors.

Tri-Gelt President Aaron Anderson discussed the importance of black neighbors in a street-side interview. “See that? See that?” he said pointing, “That’s a black guy on a sidewalk. The same sidewalk we share,” he continued as he started to cross the street for no clear reason.  When pressed for further comment, Anderson stated, “Yeah. We’re totes coolio with the blacks. You think we UChicago nerds are lame but we’re totally ratchet. And also ghetto.”

Other UChicago students echoed the importance of dispelling rumors of racism on campus. When asked about allegations towards Tri-Gelt, white UChicago student Brad Ackerman, stated, “It’s really sad how much these claims have hurt our campus. The e-mails are just a completely overblown mistake made by upstanding UChicago students who just got totally hammered on grape juice one night.” When asked if he had any concerns about systematic racism at UChicago, Ackerman responded, “I don’t get it—this isn’t an issue of race. I mean, we at UChicago don’t even see race! Ever wonder why we all need glasses?” Ackerman continued to talk for approximately thirty minutes about how it was racist to make this an issue of race.

Although students claim that the school is a perfectly non-racist colorblind environment, they still assert a strong commitment to promote diversity. Tri-Gelt’s activities planner Jacob Samuels recently announced, “We intend to host events to acknowledge the systematic racism facing our society. Black people are our neighbors and friends and we need to make them feel welcome.”

At press time, the black student organization was responding positively by reportedly holding a “Free Crackers” day for the fraternities.

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