Area Skin Burnt

EVANSTON – While this year’s edition of the Northwestern Music Festival Dillo Day was largely successful, medical experts and Mayfest regretfully confirmed that the collective skin of the undergraduate population was the one major casualty that went unnoticed.

In an official announcement, Mayfest Exec said, “We’re just glad that the weather was as fantastic as it was. But of course, that comes with the consequence of people indulging in the beautiful weather a little too much.” 

Northwestern Health Services took a representative survey of the student body, and predicted that the relative skin cancer risk quadrupled and in fact concluded that there was no conceivable way to prevent such a large-scale massacre of skin cells across such a wide geographic area. Mayfest is currently drafting plan on how to best avoid such a catastrophe in the future, such as potentially moving the concert even earlier in the quarter for cooler weather.

Students in general seemed a little less phased by the whole spectacle. Local frat bro Smith Winston told reporters, “Man like, why are you calling me right now? It’s 4PM on a Sunday. I’m trying to sleep. Orange what? Something’s on fire? I don’t smell fire… Is something burning?”

Northwestern administrators and Evanston residents, however, were shocked at what appeared to be an overnight metamorphosis of the student body. What was once a baby’s-ass-white campus evolved into a diverse array of orange, red, and brown. Northwestern Student Affairs even adjusted their demographic numbers, stating that Northwestern has had its “most diverse student body in history, almost as if it were overnight.”

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