As if the presidential transition could not get any more bizarre, sources can officially confirm that Donald Trump has just recently nominated his own penis for Secretary of Agriculture.
Trump cited his “good, strong seed” as a reason for why he thought his penis would be great for the job. “You know, I have a good brain. I have a very good brain. I have the best brain, and I make really good decisions. And I said ‘you know what? I also have a really great penis.’ Then I realized that hey, my penis is pretty great after all. I’ve already been using my brain for intelligence briefings and military planning, I figure my penis can be doing some work for me too, could really help stimulate our agricultural growth. After all, Melania’s getting to that age, you know? What can you do? Terrible, terrible, really.”
The truly unpresidented move comes as a surprise for the country, though it is not unusual considering his string of cabinet nominations that seem to involve people whose beliefs represent the opposite of the jobs to which they were appointed.
Mike Pence took particular discomfort at the idea of dealing with Trump’s penis on a regular basis. “It is going to be extremely difficult to attend cabinet meetings. I mean, I know they have a mind of their own and all, but I think penises are the ugliest creation on God’s green, 5000-year-old Earth. Every day I get in the shower and look down I scream like a child. Gets me every time.”
Other concerns have been raised over how a penis in the cabinet would change the interpersonal dynamic of it. Trump assuaged concerns saying, “Don’t worry, he won’t be allowed anywhere near my daughter. She’s for me and me only.”