Northwestern Required to Provide Eight Metric Tons of Corn for Nebraska Football Team to Graze

Flipside reporters have confirmed that before their Homecoming contest against Nebraska, Northwestern obliged with a long-standing Big Ten policy and provided the Cornhuskers with eight metric tons of corn to satisfy the team’s so-called “craze for the graze.”

The official policy of the Big Ten reads: “When any school hosts the Nebraska Cornhuskers for a football game, they must provide a minimum of eight (8) metric tons of corn to ensure adequate player grazing capabilities.”

The Northwestern Budget Committee initially had qualms about the high price tag of the corn. However, President Morton Schapiro reassured them the spending was justified.

“I want to be transparent about this. Like I’ve said many times before, we’re comfortable spending this money as long as the corn in no way benefits the student body whatsoever.”

Nebraska Head Coach Scott Frost insists that the unorthodox grazing ritual is a “winning strategy” for the now 0-6 Cornhuskers.

“I think our boys play their best after having collectively consumed eight metric tons of corn before the game. It’s nature’s pregame food.”

When asked to address the Cornhuskers’ pitiful defensive efficiency statistics, Frost became hostile, dismissing every subsequent football-related question: “Listen, if you want to talk grazing, I’ll talk grazing. Leave it to those ‘Nerdwestern’ students to talk stats.”

While Frost insists the pregame meal had nothing to do with the team’s end-of-game meltdown, a since-deleted tweet from linebacker Luke Gifford blamed Northwestern’s game-tying drive on the defense’s “corn coma.”

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