White NU Students Excited to Abolish Greek Life and Oversee the Construction of Near-Identical Social Groups

With a long history of issues, spanning from hazing to repeated violation of FDA health codes, many Northwestern students and faculty have called for the abolition of the Greek life system. Well known for their prompt correction of social issues, fraternities and sororities immediately responded to the situation once they reached the adequate threshold of personal shame.

Former Frat-boy and current non social-distancer Mitch Katz (WCAS, ’23) told the Flipside about his experience with the recent issues.  “Once we realized there were like, problems with frats or whatever, we took a step back and looked at our past. I mean, who could have known that force-feeding pledges handfuls of dog food was unethical? It was a real eye opener for me.”

As a result of the call to action, Mitch’s fraternity made drastic changes to their protocol. The fraternity removed the Greek letters from the outside of their house and took down their prized “Saturdays are for the Boys” flag.   The reinvented friend group now calls itself “The Brotherhood formerly known as KAPPA KAPPA KEGSTAND.”

When asked if the group is acting any different from the past, Mitch confidently replied  “We changed the game bro. Our pong games use vodka now, so we’re super inclusive with all the Russian students. Oh, and remember those nerdy kids that we used to not let into the parties? Well, now we let them clean up our garbage at the end of the night, so they feel super welcome with us.”

While everyone recognizes the benefits of these drastic improvements, the brothers still hold some nostalgia for their old lifestyles:

“Even though we’re shutting down, I’ll miss our old games,” Mitch confessed. “My favorite was definitely hide and yack. It’s like hide and seek, but instead of looking for where your friend is hiding, you try to figure out where in the house they vomited last night.”

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