How to Take Him Seriously After You Saw Him Wrestle His Hammock on the Lakefill for 20 Minutes and Then Lose

            When the temperature hits 60 in Evanston, it’s suns out, buns out, and most importantly, hammocks out. Springtime is for budding love and ignoring all outstanding assignments for a main character type frolic on the lakefill with your beau. If one day your new “boyf” hits you up for an ever-so romantic afternoon of hammocking, don’t fret. You may feel a sudden panic as he starts to take out his bungee cords. Breathe, breathe again, and then follow these tips.

While not everyone can rock the ‘mock lifestyle, try to hear him out. Reflect on your previous hammocklessness. The ergonomic features of the modern-day hammock are not the cloth and string model they once were. Technology has allowed us to elevate off of Mother Earth, so why should we not accept the invitation? Let him convince you that lying on a piece of nylon with the blood rushing to your head while he mansplains Utilitarianism is the best way to spend your Saturday.

            Watch and learn. It’s not easy to put up a hammock. If you see him start to struggle, leave him be. Maybe he’s having an off day. Maybe he’s never had any trouble getting it up before. Whatever you do, don’t offer to help. His manhood rests in the straps of that REI model. 

Try and focus on the good things. If you still can’t seem to ignore his little forehead vein popping out as he desperately tries to stretch the hammock to a tree fifty feet away, try focusing on things about him that you do like. Maybe it’s the way he laughs, or how he matches his outfit to his bandanna, or his limited edition Tevas, or the way his jorts show off his… you know what, no, it’s not worth it.

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