Professor’s Shirt Oddly Wet, Refuses to Address It
Professor H. Hanz Ockwerd has received widespread whispered criticism from students and colleagues alike after an unfortunate liquid-related incident this week.
Ockwerd, best known for teaching the Weinberg-renowned History of Grandfather Clocks seminar and his informational pamphlet on the best type of SAS sneakers for powerwalking from the bathroom to Harris Lecture Hall after an unfortunate bowel movement, drew many uncomfortable stares from the students this Monday. In his “Grandaddy Issues: Fixing a Clock” lecture, they began to notice the large damp stain spreading across the front of his shirt.
“We were all kind of just like… I sure hope that’s sweat and not, like, toilet water or something,” said Johnson Johnson Johnson III, a sophomore studying International Relations (with a Gender Studies minor to prove he’s not a misogynist despite claims that “frats are good, clean fun”).
Johndaughter Jones, another Weinberg student, is convinced it was “legit blood.” “Like, he was wearing a really ugly maroon shirt so it was kind of hard to tell, but yikes!” she exclaimed.
Even after the mysterious liquid started to drip onto Ockwerd’s Original Macbook Pro, he made no mention of the trail of sludge coating his “Right Twice a Day” handouts. When confronted by an NUHS representative, Ockwerd mumbled something about a “slug family” and slithered away into the bushes behind Deering.