For the past year, Northwestern has been testing for COVID with nasal swabs. However, weeks in the red zone have called for a new method with more accuracy. Northwestern has recently announced its new plan to improve COVID testing: rectal testing. With lines spanning the length of Sheridan, Northwestern Administration figured there may as well be an enjoyable experience at the end of the long-ass wait.

Beginning next Monday, testing will take place in the guy inside of Willie the Wildcat’s apartment – enter through the back door. In an effort to economize, each individual station will be separated by smegma stained sheets left unclaimed by students in laundry rooms across campus. Anxious students can opt to have staff members perform the swab for them if they beg and call them master. Under the watchful eyes of high-level personnel, those opting to go solo are reminded to use fifteen deep, circular motions while penetrating the rectum. Staff members advise to swab for as long as it takes you to sing the Northwestern fight song. For freshmen that do not know it, fuck you. Furthermore, if the anus is too dry, lube will be provided. Student volunteers are currently being solicited to perform swabbing and are advised that performing or viewing the testing will be the only reward offered.

A few students have come forward regarding hemorrhoid issues. President Shapiro has responded, “You’re shit outta luck. Ha, get it?”