Op-ed: Studies Show Seasonal Depression Affects Nearly 99.99% of College Students…Not Me, I Have a SAD Lamp. Y’all Stay Safe Though

As I dug through the presents under my family’s belated Hannukah Bush during winter break, I noticed one particular gift that spoke to me in a way I had never known before. Even though its contents were unplugged, I swear a heavenly glow emanated from the box as I tore it open and discovered my very own SAD lamp. I immediately thought of my many peers at school who feel depressed due to winter darkness and felt an unimaginable amount of joy at the sudden realization that I was now so much better than all of them. While they struggle to do basic tasks in the dead of February, I’d never be depressed again!

Over the past three weeks, I have heard nothing but complaints from my friends about not being able to do their homework, or get out of bed, or take a shower, or look at themselves in the mirror for more than three seconds. But not me! I’m absolutely perfect. All I do is spend 15 minutes a day shoving my face in front of a lit-up screen, and I’m cured! No more tears or sleepless nights. It’s like magic.

I’m not sure if it was my incessant crying or inability to listen to anything other than “Nothing New” by the famously joyful artists Taylor Swift and Phoebe Bridgers that gave my parents insight into my mental state, but either way I am grateful. Because of my sorrow, I was gifted the world’s greatest present: superiority. 

Now, I walk around in the frigid air with my head held high, laughing at the pain of those around me. You know, they say 99.99% of college students are affected by seasonal depression. I guess I just needed my SAD lamp to remind me that I’ve never been ordinary.

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