Ask Flippy: Do You Think my Bitmoji is Hotter than Me? I Feel Like my Bitmoji is Hotter than Me. Ok, Fuck-Marry-Kill, ready? Me, my Bitmoji, and Jake from Subway Surfers.
Ever since my crush added me on Snapchat, then immediately stopped responding after my first clear face pic, I can’t shake this feeling that my bitmoji is a ten, while I’m just a three. And as someone whose celebrity crush is Flynn Rider—in his animated form, not like a human-version—I can kind of understand the Bitmoji appeal. But I can’t handle that little bitch being hotter than me, so I need your input.
In a game of fuck-marry-kill, how you would respond with me, my Bitmoji, and Jake from subway surfers?
Please fuck me Flippy!
A Somehow Highly Insecure Leo
Dear Somehow Highly Insecure Leo,
You’re fucked…or I guess not fucked? Sorry, but killing you off was the only answer. It’s not that you’re not hot (well it is that a little bit); it’s just that your Bitmoji and Jake are so much hotter. Let me explain.
First, I’m fucking your Bitmoji. Bitmojis just have undeniably attractive auras with those disproportionally huge fuck-me eyes, big, flirtatious smiles, and silly little costumes that show their fun, chill side. Some even hold up a spoon and fork, licking their lips. Like…I know EXACTLY what you’re hungry for.
Unsurprisingly, I’m marrying Jake. Are you familiar with the Britney Spears’ song “Mama, I’m in love with a criminal”? Well, that’s what I’ll be walking down the aisle to. There’s nothing hotter than a man running from the cops, especially when he has thick luscious eyebrows and a mischievous smirk. He also literally gets faster as he runs. Hello stamina!..if you know what I mean. On the more emotional side, he’s just a misunderstood artist with talent that has yet to be discovered. I can be the one to show him his true potential.
Sooo…RIP you, I guess.
Stay strong uggo,