Dear Flippy,

Ever since my crush added me on Snapchat, then immediately stopped responding after my first clear face pic, I can’t shake this feeling that my bitmoji is a ten, while I’m just a three. And as someone whose celebrity crush is Flynn Rider—in his animated form, not like a human-version—I can kind of understand the Bitmoji appeal. But I can’t handle that little bitch being hotter than me, so I need your input.

In a game of fuck-marry-kill, how you would respond with me, my Bitmoji, and Jake from subway surfers?

Please fuck me Flippy!

A Somehow Highly Insecure Leo

Dear Somehow Highly Insecure Leo,

You’re fucked…or I guess not fucked?  Sorry, but killing you off was the only answer. It’s not that you’re not hot (well it is that a little bit); it’s just that your Bitmoji and Jake are so much hotter. Let me explain.

First, I’m fucking your Bitmoji. Bitmojis just have undeniably attractive auras with those disproportionally huge fuck-me eyes, big, flirtatious smiles, and silly little costumes that show their fun, chill side. Some even hold up a spoon and fork, licking their lips. Like…I know EXACTLY what you’re hungry for. 

Unsurprisingly, I’m marrying Jake. Are you familiar with the Britney Spears’ song “Mama, I’m in love with a criminal”? Well, that’s what I’ll be walking down the aisle to. There’s nothing hotter than a man running from the cops, especially when he has thick luscious eyebrows and a mischievous smirk. He also literally gets faster as he runs. Hello stamina!..if you know what I mean. On the more emotional side, he’s just a misunderstood artist with talent that has yet to be discovered. I can be the one to show him his true potential.

Sooo…RIP you, I guess. 

Stay strong uggo,

Flippy