Northwestern Student’s Unique Accommodation: “I’m Allergic To Any Dorms That Don’t Rhyme With Kincoln Or Lemper”
Northwestern prides itself on being very accessible and accommodating students’ needs, no matter what they are. However, one student’s recent accommodation has administration racing to research this unique condition.
“I’m allergic to any dorms that don’t rhyme with Kincoln or Lemper,” a rising sophomore claimed. The student further explained that he needs to be placed in dorms that specifically fit this designation, or else there would be serious consequences.
“I would probably spontaneously combust,” the student said, when asked what would happen if he was placed in a dorm that rhymes with “Sones” or “Jargent.” “It would not be a good situation. I’m really just trying to look out for the university here so they don’t have a lawsuit on their hands, you know?” the student further elaborated.
When Northwestern housing services further looked into the students’ condition, they found notes from doctors, allergy specialists, etc. Surprisingly, all of the student’s doctors’ names rhyme with Kincoln or Lemper.
“Finn Man must have living accommodations that meet the requirements of his condition,” wrote Dr. Zemper, the student’s primary care physician. Additionally, the student’s allergist, Dr. Rincoln, shared, “I have taken care of Man for many years, just because of my name. His body reacts well with only these types of names. It is an extremely real condition, even though it may be the first of its kind.”
Now, other students are claiming they have experienced symptoms of this rhyming ailment as well.
“I felt really shitty this year living in a dorm that rhymed with ‘Wobb’,” another rising sophomore states. “I think those symptoms would go away if I lived in a dorm that rhymes with ‘Billard’.”